What Is This Wicked Love?

This is the first time ANYONE will be able to read this. In two years, I have not uttered a word about this to anyone. Until today. Alicia, somehow, got it out of me. And I decided I needed to write it down because I can never be happy in a relationship until I get rid of her. Completely.

I surely don't talk to her anymore, as I'd blocked her out of my life completely the last time she tried to talk to me. But still this...our relationship. I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it.

It will be four years ago in September. Four years ago I walked in a Biology class and got asked where I was from. Angel was bold. Giving me her number, asking for mine, WANTING to see me. But I didn't pursue it. One semester of accidental meetings and mixed signals was how she waited for me to make my move. She told me once, in the very beginning, she never thought it would come. Never thought I would be interested.

Until I was on campus and called her. And we spent the day together and that was that. I spent more time with her and eventually it just became dating. And we both fell hard, or so I thought. And I was content for a year. My fourth semester at Daemen I moved on to campus. And regretted it. I lived with Angel, and two others. Noel and Michelle. Both of whom claimed to fall in love with me. They told me Angel was cheating on me with a guy on campus, so on Angel's birthday I got really fucking drunk. We went to his dorm room and dragged him back to our's. Angel, of course, wasn't with us.

We sat him down, explained the situation, and he was not pleased. I should have noticed then. But naive me did not. And so when Angel said they were just friends, I believed her.

I stopped going to class and ended up withdrawing, biggest regret of my life. Angel talked me into going back to New York City with her, as Noel would pull me aside to try and save me. I don't know why I didn't trust her. I ended up hurting the people I cared about with fucked up remarks. So in May I headed to NYC to be with someone I cared about.

Immediately, things started to spiral out of control. She would leave me for days and seemed to not want to be around me. She hated introducing me to her friends.


The three months FLEW by, and she prepared to leave me so she could head back to school with the guy she'd been cheating on me with. And I snapped. We fought. Physically, yelling, crying, slamming of doors. But in the end she left me anyway.

And so I locked myself up. Anything I liked about myself died right then. She didn't love me.

So I slept. I really don't know for how long or if it was long at all, since I had a lost a since of time and dates while there. Someone ended up coming in to get me out, and then the truth was revealed. It came out like verbal horse shit. All the lies came pouring out, and her friends had no problem telling me.

She had lied to them. Told them I was infatuated with her, but she could not stand me. I was her "disabled puppy." Cute and cuddly, but a bit too needy, and you felt too guilty to return it.

She used me.

Abused me.

And left me shattered.

I hated her. And I can never forgive her. Because of her, I have a hard time having a successful relationship. Because of her, I question everything someone I care about says to me.

But I refuse to let her keep that hold on me.

I don't talk to her, and now she wont be in my thoughts. Ever.