Ice Cream Will Save The Day

Oh these past few days...

Hearts have been so brutally broken, and tempers pushed. And even worse, I feel like I have no control over this. It's what is happening, and there's no point in lying about it. I will go into more details in a moment. This is also why I didn't update my 30 Days blog. Didn't want it to be filled with cut cut cut. ;___;

Anyway! Over the past few days I've been explaining to people the situation. Since, thanks to my blog, my little love trapezoid is coming to light, I figure I should sit down some people involved and explain the situation to them. The first conversation was hell and the others that quickly followed have been no different. The first one I talked to was Maria. Since our little arrangement means that she deals with me often, I felt it best to really talk to her. And we did. As soon as "Look, I'm leaving soon and I just want to have fun" left my lips, the tears started. I don't do well with tears and so I did the first thing I knew how, I froze and shut up.

After she calmed down we talked more and...yeah. She wasn't pleased and is staying very quiet. Then the others started getting the talk soon after. Falling like dominoes. They couldn't deal with it. Why had I led them on? Why hadn't I been honest about the others? Why am I doing this? Do I not want to be happy? Am I seeing it from their point of view? Am I really the bitch they're seeing right now? I mean to hurt them, right? The questions poured and poured and poured on to the table of my guilt and I couldn't answer many of them. I saw it as, if I was to pick one right now, it would be stupid of me. I'm gonna be gone for months and I'm not entirely sure of when I'll be coming back, and I certainly wont be coming back with the same enthusiasm as I have now. I wont have time for phone calls, or text messaging, or talking on the computer and all that shit. Besides, when I do come back, if I had chosen someone, how sure can I be that they would still be there waiting for me?

So this morning after telling the last person, Alicia, I blasted music and wrote, painted, and worked out until I could barely breathe. After, I smoked a cigarette and thought about everything. In my mind, choosing someone now is too late. Even though everyone tells me too. Or they ask me "If you could choose, who would it be?"

Right now? I don't know. I mean, I have an idea, but why would I choose?

I thought about everything, took Alicia's advice and attempted to meditate. My mind clear I sorted through all of my emotions. All of my anger, confusion, hate, and love. And at the root of it was still little old me, protecting myself and my heart. Holding people at a distance.

I'm not ready for anything serious yet, and I know that. And if this next month has to go by with me being lonely, then dammit I'll be lonely.

I've been listening to Muscles all morning. They helped cheer me up a bit. As for what I'm gonna do about my many desires and loves, well...I'm still not sure yet. A piece of me wants to let me go, and another piece doesn't.

On a happier note, the family reunion sortakindathingy yesterday didn't go so bad. I've been to worse. Everyone was pretty happy and I was able to get some alone time, so I was pretty pleased with it. Also, Ashley is hilarious. She kept my mind from thinking about more stressful things, so I was happy.

Damn, I think I'm done crying for awhile, I feel like these past few months have been full of my tears. No more crying. Also, even though everything is going on I'm working really fucking hard to keep myself happy.

Thanks Nook. For everything. Even singing to me this morning. Hahahaha.

I'm done writing about this.

Keeping my hopes up!