Once Again, Shelly, You Are Wrong

I knew it. I could almost taste it. Things were going too good for me. My spirits were raising, my happiness was almost at it's peak, and I didn't care about anyone else.

And then I woke up this morning.

Don't get me wrong, last night and the beginning of this morning were wonderful. But then it took a wobbly and sharp turn when everyone in the house was awake. It is only Mayah, my mother, and me home right now. So when Mayah woke me up by, basically, kicking her door open I knew then that this wasn't a so great day.

I quickly descended the stairs some time after her, looking for something to eat. I noticed the leftovers were scarce so asked my mother if she wanted it instead. Instant attitude. I took her sharp "No!" to mean that she actually did want it and so left them there heading downstairs. A bit later she called me upstairs and asked me why I wasn't eating what was in the fridge and I told her it was because I thought she wanted it. Another quick flash of attitude as she bit into me, claiming that I can eat it.

Ok.

So I go to grab the food and here comes Mayah, looking in and yelling at me about, this is when I knew it could only get worse, brussel sprouts. I told her I didn't want them, went downstairs and made my plate. Here she comes again, the brussel sprouts in her hand and she slams the container on the counter. "YOU HAVE TO EAT THESE BECAUSE BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!" I calmly tell her I'm not arguing with her and to get out of my face. She steps closer to me and continues her...I don't know what to call it. So, I tell her to get away from me. Now here come her tears. She tells me that's all I ever tell her, to get away from her and whateverthefuck.

Ok.

"So this isn't about brussel sprouts," was my response. Now she's going apeshit. Her finger is in my face as well now, and I can feel my anger boiling up. But I keep telling myself to stay calm.

My mother, in her lovely morning attitude, shouts for us to "shut the fuck up" but Mayah keeps going. I finally tell her, "I don't care what you say, I'm not eating the brussel sprouts." In reference to both the food, and the fact that my not wanting to deal with her wasn't going to change.

She finally stomps up the stairs, her and mom get into a little argument. This is when it gets fun.

Mayah gets smart with my mother and in a very motherly move, she threatens her. Now I hear Mayah really crying. But we've been dealing with this for awhile now, so big deal. Mayah retreats to my mother's room sobbing. My mom comes down the stairs pointing at me, "This isn't about brussel sprouts!" No shit, Sherlock. Then she heads outside for her cigarette.

I come upstairs and eat slowly, Mini staring at me, as she does. My mother comes in all drama! Slamming doors and shit. I take a few deeps breaths, try to calm myself down. She comes into the living room and calls Mayah up there. We kind of sit/stand around in silence. Well, not Mayah, she was on the phone with CJ. But mom tells her to hang up and so she does.

Then she goes into a rant. Oh, I see. It's about her yet again. She's sick of our "bullshit," she wanted to leave because of this "bullshit," we're grown ups when are we gonna stop with this "bullshit." And the bullshits kept pouring out of her mouth. One after another after another after another.

She turns to me, and in a very Simone way says, "You need to get over yourself." Ever since I was little my mother would say either "you need to get over yourself" OR "stop being overdramatic." But no one else got those except me. Which is probably why I refuse to cry around her. Really, if I'm upset will hearing, "Stop being overdramatic" help me AT ALL?!

She tears into Mayah a bit and then goes off on a tangent about something else. I stay quiet, but Mayah responds with the necessary "okay," "yes," and "alright." I eat quietly.

Mayah goes to CJ's and my mom looks at me and sighs and sighs and sighs. I refuse to respond to her cries for attention. She always blows me off. Never pays attention to a fucking word that comes out of my mouth unless it's about Bart. And it pisses me off.

"You act like you're above us," she says to me. And I make a quick, sharp, smart ass laugh. I was pissed. "You really need to get over yourself. This is my house!" Now her voice is breaking and I have no sympathy. I've never been a fan of my mother, now she was really pissing me off. "You say you're sad all the time, well what about me?"

I looked at her. What about you? You fucking have people to talk to. I can't talk to you. I can't talk to CJ. I can't talk to Mayah because everything is a fucking joke to her. I can't talk to daddy because he's too busy. She always claims all I have is family, but where are they? I never get called, I never get texted, I never get visited. Only time those things happen is if someone is looking for Mayah and her phone is off or they aren't sure if she's home.

After my mother's "get over yourself" speech, I wash dishes, take a shower, and come out of the bathroom to her talking to someone about how bitchy I am. Me? Me?

This is a dream. No, this is a fucking nightmare. And I'm pleading to God I wake up soon. She expects me to be close to her, to confide in her, to tell her everything but how can I when she acts like this all the time. I've tried to tell her things again and again. What does she do? Switch it so it's about her. It's not always about you, mom?!?!?

And so I'm up in my room, alone. Surprise! While she's down there calling whoever she can to get out of the fucking house. Go. Get out. Go do something so I don't have to deal with your bitchy attitude.

A part of me wants to cry, not because my feelings are hurt but because I'm so fucking frustrated. Another part of me wants a cigarette. And smallest bit of me is telling me to sleep.

It'll all be ok when you wake up. Just a few days of good hard sleep and this will have blown over. You need to recover. You need to not deal with people for awhile. You need to get better. You need to get away. Sleep.

And so I sleep.