It was early in the morning, and since I haven't been sleeping I was watching tv. Still in bed, mind you! But enjoying some television.
There was a sound from downstairs and some laughing. How my bed buddy didn't wake up was news to me. So, being the nosy one I am, I make my way downstairs to...
My sister and my father. My father's looking at a pancake box saying, "Fuck, no eggs!"
"Let's go get some!" my sister is...too excited.
I'm looking at them and I say, "Are you guys thinking about making pancakes? When?"
"NOW!" they both say happily.
"You're both high," was my response. And they just crack up laughing. We make our way upstairs, and I go use the bathroom. When I come out my dad is chewing something like there's no tomorrow. "What are you eating?" I was about to go upstairs.
"Potato chips," he says, "You know, because I'm high."
"Munchies!" my sister yells as I head to bed.
I didn't expect that.
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Are!
Because we are your friends,
You'll never be alone again~
After todays...interesting start. I slept. And slept. And slept. And woke up around...4-something. Tossed and turned and couldn't fall back asleep. I just laid there. And, without even thinking about it, began to meditate. Good stuff, that is. But unlike Alicia, I got no answers.
So I called Maria and told her I wanted to see her. So we met up on her lunch break, in which she did NO eating. Odd. Anyway, as we were sitting in her car I explained the situation to her. And she kept shaking her head, which made me even more confused. Finally I ask her what it is and she turns to me, all intense and shit and says, "What should you be doing right now?"
First thing I think is, sadly, sex. So I say, "Taking your clothes off?"
At which she laughed and said no. She looks at me again, sterner this time, "What should you be doing, Shelly?"
I am completely confused. I really have no idea. I stumble around some words and things because she's looking at me oddly like I know the answer and occasionally almost say it, and she just wants to help me finish the sentence. If that makes any sense.
"Shelly, this is your family," she finally says. "Apologize for being a bitch. Seriously."
And I just stare at her. How is this my fault?! My mind was racing, I was soooo pissed. I searched for words that would make me not want to kick her face in.
She looked at me, raising her eyebrows, "You know it's true. I don't know what happened to you lately, but your family has gotten the worst of it. Your sister cares about you, Shelly. Apologize."
And when I asked her about Bart, who...I don't know what's wrong with him. She just smiled and said, "Let him go." I tried to say something and she covered my mouth, "It's ok. He doesn't seem to want to be a part of your life anymore. Let him go."
And here I am. I apologized to my sister. We had a bit of a talk, and I feel amazing. Again~
And she's right. I am a bitch.
You'll never be alone again~
After todays...interesting start. I slept. And slept. And slept. And woke up around...4-something. Tossed and turned and couldn't fall back asleep. I just laid there. And, without even thinking about it, began to meditate. Good stuff, that is. But unlike Alicia, I got no answers.
So I called Maria and told her I wanted to see her. So we met up on her lunch break, in which she did NO eating. Odd. Anyway, as we were sitting in her car I explained the situation to her. And she kept shaking her head, which made me even more confused. Finally I ask her what it is and she turns to me, all intense and shit and says, "What should you be doing right now?"
First thing I think is, sadly, sex. So I say, "Taking your clothes off?"
At which she laughed and said no. She looks at me again, sterner this time, "What should you be doing, Shelly?"
I am completely confused. I really have no idea. I stumble around some words and things because she's looking at me oddly like I know the answer and occasionally almost say it, and she just wants to help me finish the sentence. If that makes any sense.
"Shelly, this is your family," she finally says. "Apologize for being a bitch. Seriously."
And I just stare at her. How is this my fault?! My mind was racing, I was soooo pissed. I searched for words that would make me not want to kick her face in.
She looked at me, raising her eyebrows, "You know it's true. I don't know what happened to you lately, but your family has gotten the worst of it. Your sister cares about you, Shelly. Apologize."
And when I asked her about Bart, who...I don't know what's wrong with him. She just smiled and said, "Let him go." I tried to say something and she covered my mouth, "It's ok. He doesn't seem to want to be a part of your life anymore. Let him go."
And here I am. I apologized to my sister. We had a bit of a talk, and I feel amazing. Again~
And she's right. I am a bitch.
Once Again, Shelly, You Are Wrong
I knew it. I could almost taste it. Things were going too good for me. My spirits were raising, my happiness was almost at it's peak, and I didn't care about anyone else.
And then I woke up this morning.
Don't get me wrong, last night and the beginning of this morning were wonderful. But then it took a wobbly and sharp turn when everyone in the house was awake. It is only Mayah, my mother, and me home right now. So when Mayah woke me up by, basically, kicking her door open I knew then that this wasn't a so great day.
I quickly descended the stairs some time after her, looking for something to eat. I noticed the leftovers were scarce so asked my mother if she wanted it instead. Instant attitude. I took her sharp "No!" to mean that she actually did want it and so left them there heading downstairs. A bit later she called me upstairs and asked me why I wasn't eating what was in the fridge and I told her it was because I thought she wanted it. Another quick flash of attitude as she bit into me, claiming that I can eat it.
Ok.
So I go to grab the food and here comes Mayah, looking in and yelling at me about, this is when I knew it could only get worse, brussel sprouts. I told her I didn't want them, went downstairs and made my plate. Here she comes again, the brussel sprouts in her hand and she slams the container on the counter. "YOU HAVE TO EAT THESE BECAUSE BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!" I calmly tell her I'm not arguing with her and to get out of my face. She steps closer to me and continues her...I don't know what to call it. So, I tell her to get away from me. Now here come her tears. She tells me that's all I ever tell her, to get away from her and whateverthefuck.
Ok.
"So this isn't about brussel sprouts," was my response. Now she's going apeshit. Her finger is in my face as well now, and I can feel my anger boiling up. But I keep telling myself to stay calm.
My mother, in her lovely morning attitude, shouts for us to "shut the fuck up" but Mayah keeps going. I finally tell her, "I don't care what you say, I'm not eating the brussel sprouts." In reference to both the food, and the fact that my not wanting to deal with her wasn't going to change.
She finally stomps up the stairs, her and mom get into a little argument. This is when it gets fun.
Mayah gets smart with my mother and in a very motherly move, she threatens her. Now I hear Mayah really crying. But we've been dealing with this for awhile now, so big deal. Mayah retreats to my mother's room sobbing. My mom comes down the stairs pointing at me, "This isn't about brussel sprouts!" No shit, Sherlock. Then she heads outside for her cigarette.
I come upstairs and eat slowly, Mini staring at me, as she does. My mother comes in all drama! Slamming doors and shit. I take a few deeps breaths, try to calm myself down. She comes into the living room and calls Mayah up there. We kind of sit/stand around in silence. Well, not Mayah, she was on the phone with CJ. But mom tells her to hang up and so she does.
Then she goes into a rant. Oh, I see. It's about her yet again. She's sick of our "bullshit," she wanted to leave because of this "bullshit," we're grown ups when are we gonna stop with this "bullshit." And the bullshits kept pouring out of her mouth. One after another after another after another.
She turns to me, and in a very Simone way says, "You need to get over yourself." Ever since I was little my mother would say either "you need to get over yourself" OR "stop being overdramatic." But no one else got those except me. Which is probably why I refuse to cry around her. Really, if I'm upset will hearing, "Stop being overdramatic" help me AT ALL?!
She tears into Mayah a bit and then goes off on a tangent about something else. I stay quiet, but Mayah responds with the necessary "okay," "yes," and "alright." I eat quietly.
Mayah goes to CJ's and my mom looks at me and sighs and sighs and sighs. I refuse to respond to her cries for attention. She always blows me off. Never pays attention to a fucking word that comes out of my mouth unless it's about Bart. And it pisses me off.
"You act like you're above us," she says to me. And I make a quick, sharp, smart ass laugh. I was pissed. "You really need to get over yourself. This is my house!" Now her voice is breaking and I have no sympathy. I've never been a fan of my mother, now she was really pissing me off. "You say you're sad all the time, well what about me?"
I looked at her. What about you? You fucking have people to talk to. I can't talk to you. I can't talk to CJ. I can't talk to Mayah because everything is a fucking joke to her. I can't talk to daddy because he's too busy. She always claims all I have is family, but where are they? I never get called, I never get texted, I never get visited. Only time those things happen is if someone is looking for Mayah and her phone is off or they aren't sure if she's home.
After my mother's "get over yourself" speech, I wash dishes, take a shower, and come out of the bathroom to her talking to someone about how bitchy I am. Me? Me?
This is a dream. No, this is a fucking nightmare. And I'm pleading to God I wake up soon. She expects me to be close to her, to confide in her, to tell her everything but how can I when she acts like this all the time. I've tried to tell her things again and again. What does she do? Switch it so it's about her. It's not always about you, mom?!?!?
And so I'm up in my room, alone. Surprise! While she's down there calling whoever she can to get out of the fucking house. Go. Get out. Go do something so I don't have to deal with your bitchy attitude.
A part of me wants to cry, not because my feelings are hurt but because I'm so fucking frustrated. Another part of me wants a cigarette. And smallest bit of me is telling me to sleep.
It'll all be ok when you wake up. Just a few days of good hard sleep and this will have blown over. You need to recover. You need to not deal with people for awhile. You need to get better. You need to get away. Sleep.
And so I sleep.
And then I woke up this morning.
Don't get me wrong, last night and the beginning of this morning were wonderful. But then it took a wobbly and sharp turn when everyone in the house was awake. It is only Mayah, my mother, and me home right now. So when Mayah woke me up by, basically, kicking her door open I knew then that this wasn't a so great day.
I quickly descended the stairs some time after her, looking for something to eat. I noticed the leftovers were scarce so asked my mother if she wanted it instead. Instant attitude. I took her sharp "No!" to mean that she actually did want it and so left them there heading downstairs. A bit later she called me upstairs and asked me why I wasn't eating what was in the fridge and I told her it was because I thought she wanted it. Another quick flash of attitude as she bit into me, claiming that I can eat it.
Ok.
So I go to grab the food and here comes Mayah, looking in and yelling at me about, this is when I knew it could only get worse, brussel sprouts. I told her I didn't want them, went downstairs and made my plate. Here she comes again, the brussel sprouts in her hand and she slams the container on the counter. "YOU HAVE TO EAT THESE BECAUSE BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH!" I calmly tell her I'm not arguing with her and to get out of my face. She steps closer to me and continues her...I don't know what to call it. So, I tell her to get away from me. Now here come her tears. She tells me that's all I ever tell her, to get away from her and whateverthefuck.
Ok.
"So this isn't about brussel sprouts," was my response. Now she's going apeshit. Her finger is in my face as well now, and I can feel my anger boiling up. But I keep telling myself to stay calm.
My mother, in her lovely morning attitude, shouts for us to "shut the fuck up" but Mayah keeps going. I finally tell her, "I don't care what you say, I'm not eating the brussel sprouts." In reference to both the food, and the fact that my not wanting to deal with her wasn't going to change.
She finally stomps up the stairs, her and mom get into a little argument. This is when it gets fun.
Mayah gets smart with my mother and in a very motherly move, she threatens her. Now I hear Mayah really crying. But we've been dealing with this for awhile now, so big deal. Mayah retreats to my mother's room sobbing. My mom comes down the stairs pointing at me, "This isn't about brussel sprouts!" No shit, Sherlock. Then she heads outside for her cigarette.
I come upstairs and eat slowly, Mini staring at me, as she does. My mother comes in all drama! Slamming doors and shit. I take a few deeps breaths, try to calm myself down. She comes into the living room and calls Mayah up there. We kind of sit/stand around in silence. Well, not Mayah, she was on the phone with CJ. But mom tells her to hang up and so she does.
Then she goes into a rant. Oh, I see. It's about her yet again. She's sick of our "bullshit," she wanted to leave because of this "bullshit," we're grown ups when are we gonna stop with this "bullshit." And the bullshits kept pouring out of her mouth. One after another after another after another.
She turns to me, and in a very Simone way says, "You need to get over yourself." Ever since I was little my mother would say either "you need to get over yourself" OR "stop being overdramatic." But no one else got those except me. Which is probably why I refuse to cry around her. Really, if I'm upset will hearing, "Stop being overdramatic" help me AT ALL?!
She tears into Mayah a bit and then goes off on a tangent about something else. I stay quiet, but Mayah responds with the necessary "okay," "yes," and "alright." I eat quietly.
Mayah goes to CJ's and my mom looks at me and sighs and sighs and sighs. I refuse to respond to her cries for attention. She always blows me off. Never pays attention to a fucking word that comes out of my mouth unless it's about Bart. And it pisses me off.
"You act like you're above us," she says to me. And I make a quick, sharp, smart ass laugh. I was pissed. "You really need to get over yourself. This is my house!" Now her voice is breaking and I have no sympathy. I've never been a fan of my mother, now she was really pissing me off. "You say you're sad all the time, well what about me?"
I looked at her. What about you? You fucking have people to talk to. I can't talk to you. I can't talk to CJ. I can't talk to Mayah because everything is a fucking joke to her. I can't talk to daddy because he's too busy. She always claims all I have is family, but where are they? I never get called, I never get texted, I never get visited. Only time those things happen is if someone is looking for Mayah and her phone is off or they aren't sure if she's home.
After my mother's "get over yourself" speech, I wash dishes, take a shower, and come out of the bathroom to her talking to someone about how bitchy I am. Me? Me?
This is a dream. No, this is a fucking nightmare. And I'm pleading to God I wake up soon. She expects me to be close to her, to confide in her, to tell her everything but how can I when she acts like this all the time. I've tried to tell her things again and again. What does she do? Switch it so it's about her. It's not always about you, mom?!?!?
And so I'm up in my room, alone. Surprise! While she's down there calling whoever she can to get out of the fucking house. Go. Get out. Go do something so I don't have to deal with your bitchy attitude.
A part of me wants to cry, not because my feelings are hurt but because I'm so fucking frustrated. Another part of me wants a cigarette. And smallest bit of me is telling me to sleep.
It'll all be ok when you wake up. Just a few days of good hard sleep and this will have blown over. You need to recover. You need to not deal with people for awhile. You need to get better. You need to get away. Sleep.
And so I sleep.
Monday, July 28, 2008
"Why Would Anyone Want YOU?"
So, I had a deep and riveting conversation with a very close friend of mine and that very question came out of his mouth. I had to pause and think about it. I really didn't know. I am so many things that people should find unattractive, yet and still I get women and, surprisingly, men whenever I want. If I want to be lonely, I choose to do so. But if I don't want to be, I can get into a relationship quite easily.
I'm silly, and crack jokes often. I like laughing. I'm very forward now. I have no problem walking up to someone and hitting on them, buying them a drink, or flirting them up a bit. I tell people when I find them attractive. And, even though it has gotten me into so much trouble, I'm honest about my feelings and don't hesitate to tell someone when I like them. I don't mind doing the chasing, and women tend to like me more because of that. They don't mind my constant physical attention, either. But that's something different.
I just like to have fun and whatever or whoever helps me in accomplishing that, well, I surround myself with them/it. And then I go at 150 miles per hour towards fun and hope that at some point I collide with happiness. But I sadly got to the point where women were disposable. I could have as many as I wanted, as often as I wanted, whenever I wanted. And that's when I had to take a step back and rethink things.
But, my friend is right. Why would anyone want me? I'm a huge bitch and tend to put myself first when it comes to relationships. Most of the time, the sex is more important to me than the actual bond of me and the other person involved. Why would that seem remotely attractive?
But I try to stay positive, I guess that's appealing. Even through everything that happened I tried to keep a fairly positive outlook. I made some bad decisions and I understand that. I learned from them, what can I say?
But that's not the point, the point is I have no idea why people like me. Or fall for me for that matter. I'm not that great. But maybe that's why people like me. I understand that I'm not perfect, or anyone else for that matter, and I'm ok with that.
It's a mystery~
I'm silly, and crack jokes often. I like laughing. I'm very forward now. I have no problem walking up to someone and hitting on them, buying them a drink, or flirting them up a bit. I tell people when I find them attractive. And, even though it has gotten me into so much trouble, I'm honest about my feelings and don't hesitate to tell someone when I like them. I don't mind doing the chasing, and women tend to like me more because of that. They don't mind my constant physical attention, either. But that's something different.
I just like to have fun and whatever or whoever helps me in accomplishing that, well, I surround myself with them/it. And then I go at 150 miles per hour towards fun and hope that at some point I collide with happiness. But I sadly got to the point where women were disposable. I could have as many as I wanted, as often as I wanted, whenever I wanted. And that's when I had to take a step back and rethink things.
But, my friend is right. Why would anyone want me? I'm a huge bitch and tend to put myself first when it comes to relationships. Most of the time, the sex is more important to me than the actual bond of me and the other person involved. Why would that seem remotely attractive?
But I try to stay positive, I guess that's appealing. Even through everything that happened I tried to keep a fairly positive outlook. I made some bad decisions and I understand that. I learned from them, what can I say?
But that's not the point, the point is I have no idea why people like me. Or fall for me for that matter. I'm not that great. But maybe that's why people like me. I understand that I'm not perfect, or anyone else for that matter, and I'm ok with that.
It's a mystery~
Sunday, July 27, 2008
Ice Cream Will Save The Day
Oh these past few days...
Hearts have been so brutally broken, and tempers pushed. And even worse, I feel like I have no control over this. It's what is happening, and there's no point in lying about it. I will go into more details in a moment. This is also why I didn't update my 30 Days blog. Didn't want it to be filled with cut cut cut. ;___;
Anyway! Over the past few days I've been explaining to people the situation. Since, thanks to my blog, my little love trapezoid is coming to light, I figure I should sit down some people involved and explain the situation to them. The first conversation was hell and the others that quickly followed have been no different. The first one I talked to was Maria. Since our little arrangement means that she deals with me often, I felt it best to really talk to her. And we did. As soon as "Look, I'm leaving soon and I just want to have fun" left my lips, the tears started. I don't do well with tears and so I did the first thing I knew how, I froze and shut up.
After she calmed down we talked more and...yeah. She wasn't pleased and is staying very quiet. Then the others started getting the talk soon after. Falling like dominoes. They couldn't deal with it. Why had I led them on? Why hadn't I been honest about the others? Why am I doing this? Do I not want to be happy? Am I seeing it from their point of view? Am I really the bitch they're seeing right now? I mean to hurt them, right? The questions poured and poured and poured on to the table of my guilt and I couldn't answer many of them. I saw it as, if I was to pick one right now, it would be stupid of me. I'm gonna be gone for months and I'm not entirely sure of when I'll be coming back, and I certainly wont be coming back with the same enthusiasm as I have now. I wont have time for phone calls, or text messaging, or talking on the computer and all that shit. Besides, when I do come back, if I had chosen someone, how sure can I be that they would still be there waiting for me?
So this morning after telling the last person, Alicia, I blasted music and wrote, painted, and worked out until I could barely breathe. After, I smoked a cigarette and thought about everything. In my mind, choosing someone now is too late. Even though everyone tells me too. Or they ask me "If you could choose, who would it be?"
Right now? I don't know. I mean, I have an idea, but why would I choose?
I thought about everything, took Alicia's advice and attempted to meditate. My mind clear I sorted through all of my emotions. All of my anger, confusion, hate, and love. And at the root of it was still little old me, protecting myself and my heart. Holding people at a distance.
I'm not ready for anything serious yet, and I know that. And if this next month has to go by with me being lonely, then dammit I'll be lonely.
I've been listening to Muscles all morning. They helped cheer me up a bit. As for what I'm gonna do about my many desires and loves, well...I'm still not sure yet. A piece of me wants to let me go, and another piece doesn't.
On a happier note, the family reunion sortakindathingy yesterday didn't go so bad. I've been to worse. Everyone was pretty happy and I was able to get some alone time, so I was pretty pleased with it. Also, Ashley is hilarious. She kept my mind from thinking about more stressful things, so I was happy.
Damn, I think I'm done crying for awhile, I feel like these past few months have been full of my tears. No more crying. Also, even though everything is going on I'm working really fucking hard to keep myself happy.
Thanks Nook. For everything. Even singing to me this morning. Hahahaha.
I'm done writing about this.
Keeping my hopes up!
Hearts have been so brutally broken, and tempers pushed. And even worse, I feel like I have no control over this. It's what is happening, and there's no point in lying about it. I will go into more details in a moment. This is also why I didn't update my 30 Days blog. Didn't want it to be filled with cut cut cut. ;___;
Anyway! Over the past few days I've been explaining to people the situation. Since, thanks to my blog, my little love trapezoid is coming to light, I figure I should sit down some people involved and explain the situation to them. The first conversation was hell and the others that quickly followed have been no different. The first one I talked to was Maria. Since our little arrangement means that she deals with me often, I felt it best to really talk to her. And we did. As soon as "Look, I'm leaving soon and I just want to have fun" left my lips, the tears started. I don't do well with tears and so I did the first thing I knew how, I froze and shut up.
After she calmed down we talked more and...yeah. She wasn't pleased and is staying very quiet. Then the others started getting the talk soon after. Falling like dominoes. They couldn't deal with it. Why had I led them on? Why hadn't I been honest about the others? Why am I doing this? Do I not want to be happy? Am I seeing it from their point of view? Am I really the bitch they're seeing right now? I mean to hurt them, right? The questions poured and poured and poured on to the table of my guilt and I couldn't answer many of them. I saw it as, if I was to pick one right now, it would be stupid of me. I'm gonna be gone for months and I'm not entirely sure of when I'll be coming back, and I certainly wont be coming back with the same enthusiasm as I have now. I wont have time for phone calls, or text messaging, or talking on the computer and all that shit. Besides, when I do come back, if I had chosen someone, how sure can I be that they would still be there waiting for me?
So this morning after telling the last person, Alicia, I blasted music and wrote, painted, and worked out until I could barely breathe. After, I smoked a cigarette and thought about everything. In my mind, choosing someone now is too late. Even though everyone tells me too. Or they ask me "If you could choose, who would it be?"
Right now? I don't know. I mean, I have an idea, but why would I choose?
I thought about everything, took Alicia's advice and attempted to meditate. My mind clear I sorted through all of my emotions. All of my anger, confusion, hate, and love. And at the root of it was still little old me, protecting myself and my heart. Holding people at a distance.
I'm not ready for anything serious yet, and I know that. And if this next month has to go by with me being lonely, then dammit I'll be lonely.
I've been listening to Muscles all morning. They helped cheer me up a bit. As for what I'm gonna do about my many desires and loves, well...I'm still not sure yet. A piece of me wants to let me go, and another piece doesn't.
On a happier note, the family reunion sortakindathingy yesterday didn't go so bad. I've been to worse. Everyone was pretty happy and I was able to get some alone time, so I was pretty pleased with it. Also, Ashley is hilarious. She kept my mind from thinking about more stressful things, so I was happy.
Damn, I think I'm done crying for awhile, I feel like these past few months have been full of my tears. No more crying. Also, even though everything is going on I'm working really fucking hard to keep myself happy.
Thanks Nook. For everything. Even singing to me this morning. Hahahaha.
I'm done writing about this.
Keeping my hopes up!
Friday, July 25, 2008
Turtles All The Way Down~
"It would be unfair for me to say 'I love you too' when you didn't even say it in the first place, right?"
Today is Friday. That means...so many things. It means one of my friends is back in town, alone time with someone special, a confession of feelings, drinking, reading a good book, enjoying the sun, house shopping, and fantastic conversation.
A beautiful morning. A simple day. A day this brilliant can only have a magnificent end, and so far, it has yet to disappoint
This morning was...I'm having a hard time finding the word for it. All the words in my mind seem too corny. But whenever I search for something else, the same dumb ass words come up. I'll come back to it.
Anyway, after that I cut my hair (fucking finally!) but my clippers broke. And so I used some glue so I could finish the job and will invest in a new set before I leave. My hair was WAY too long this time, so I think I need to cut it more often. Although, it had just started to curl up, which is odd. Every other week I will just have to give myself a haircut. u______u
I relaxed in the sun for a bit today, and looked at my brother's new house. It's a mess right now because people are moving out, but hopefully they hurry up so that can be gutted. I told him I'd help him if they started before I left. As long as spiders aren't involved....
As much as I talk bad about my family, I love them. Makes the situation that much worse.
Hmmmm...Family reunion tomorrow. My mother's side. Which means the women get to work and the men get to slack off and get drunk! I hate my mother's side just for that. Men eat first. Men don't clean up. Men get to drink. Men don't talk to the women. Seriously? The 1920's want their mentality back.
Then I have the trip to Allegany in August, and my dad's first adoptive family's reunion. My birthday is also quickly approaching. And I'm asking for nothing for my birthday since it wont matter anyway since I'm leaving pretty soon after that. My friends want to take me to some festival in Syracuse. Don't know if I'll go or not.
Decisions decisions.
"Shopped" for clothes and shoes. I saw these cute high heels. But decided against it. I'll indulge my interest in fashion when I'm in the Air Force. I'm already running out of money in the bank, which means I have to ask my parents to help me. Which I'm dreading! Maybe I'll tell them that's my birthday present. My dad will be pleased.
I'm hoping my grandmother isn't throwing me a party for going to basic and graduation. Oh yes, this is my first time writing about my Associates in here. I got it! I cried. I felt like such a big baby. My dad just hugged me and kept saying "Good job." I'm pretty sure he was crying too, even if he wont admit it. I'll admit it. I cried, dammit! After all that shit Angel dragged me through at Daemen it was a huge "FUCK YOU!" to receive it. Fuck you, bitch. You can't keep me from being happy.
Went off on a completely different topic. Right!
Great day. Greeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat morning. Fucking fantastic morning. It made all those other extremely shitty mornings worthwhile. And for those two hours, I loved me and all that I was. Despite all the other bullshit going on in my life, I felt (I hate this word) blessed to be me. But not in a "God loves me~" way just in a "really really happy, this is gonna make me cry happy tears" kind of way.
So I thank you for that.
Really.
Truly.
Thank you.
Today is Friday. That means...so many things. It means one of my friends is back in town, alone time with someone special, a confession of feelings, drinking, reading a good book, enjoying the sun, house shopping, and fantastic conversation.
A beautiful morning. A simple day. A day this brilliant can only have a magnificent end, and so far, it has yet to disappoint
This morning was...I'm having a hard time finding the word for it. All the words in my mind seem too corny. But whenever I search for something else, the same dumb ass words come up. I'll come back to it.
Anyway, after that I cut my hair (fucking finally!) but my clippers broke. And so I used some glue so I could finish the job and will invest in a new set before I leave. My hair was WAY too long this time, so I think I need to cut it more often. Although, it had just started to curl up, which is odd. Every other week I will just have to give myself a haircut. u______u
I relaxed in the sun for a bit today, and looked at my brother's new house. It's a mess right now because people are moving out, but hopefully they hurry up so that can be gutted. I told him I'd help him if they started before I left. As long as spiders aren't involved....
As much as I talk bad about my family, I love them. Makes the situation that much worse.
Hmmmm...Family reunion tomorrow. My mother's side. Which means the women get to work and the men get to slack off and get drunk! I hate my mother's side just for that. Men eat first. Men don't clean up. Men get to drink. Men don't talk to the women. Seriously? The 1920's want their mentality back.
Then I have the trip to Allegany in August, and my dad's first adoptive family's reunion. My birthday is also quickly approaching. And I'm asking for nothing for my birthday since it wont matter anyway since I'm leaving pretty soon after that. My friends want to take me to some festival in Syracuse. Don't know if I'll go or not.
Decisions decisions.
"Shopped" for clothes and shoes. I saw these cute high heels. But decided against it. I'll indulge my interest in fashion when I'm in the Air Force. I'm already running out of money in the bank, which means I have to ask my parents to help me. Which I'm dreading! Maybe I'll tell them that's my birthday present. My dad will be pleased.
I'm hoping my grandmother isn't throwing me a party for going to basic and graduation. Oh yes, this is my first time writing about my Associates in here. I got it! I cried. I felt like such a big baby. My dad just hugged me and kept saying "Good job." I'm pretty sure he was crying too, even if he wont admit it. I'll admit it. I cried, dammit! After all that shit Angel dragged me through at Daemen it was a huge "FUCK YOU!" to receive it. Fuck you, bitch. You can't keep me from being happy.
Went off on a completely different topic. Right!
Great day. Greeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat morning. Fucking fantastic morning. It made all those other extremely shitty mornings worthwhile. And for those two hours, I loved me and all that I was. Despite all the other bullshit going on in my life, I felt (I hate this word) blessed to be me. But not in a "God loves me~" way just in a "really really happy, this is gonna make me cry happy tears" kind of way.
So I thank you for that.
Really.
Truly.
Thank you.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Paper Cranes
I JUST TYPED A WHOLE FUCKING ENTRY AND FIREFOX GOT RETARDED AND FROZE UP! I'm so mad.
ANYWAY!
Some shit about my family here. Blahblahblah. My siblings need to make up their mind on whether they want to spend time with me or not. Blahblah!
Happy shit here.
I'm still in a great mood even though they're acting like bitches.
I'm look forward to Friday. Shaking with anticipation, actually. I think this is the first time in awhile anyone has gotten me this excited about anything. At all. The special person knows what I'm talking about, everyone else can just assume.
I find now that the very first thing I do every morning is check my e-mail for Alicia's letters. Somehow they tend to make my day better. Even funnier is that now everyone asks me "How's Alicia?" without really knowing who she is. Just that I write about her a lot. Maybe I should start tossing more names into my posts and see who gets mentioned next.
I need to return Nicole's book, too. I should put an alarm on my phone for that shit. Bah, I get nervous about seeing her. And Kyle's back in town. Yay? I'll probably see him on Monday or something so he can go ahead and do whatever so it can be over with. I don't like denying people, but I don't have a choice. It sucks.
What else? Drama? NOPE! Which puts the biggest fucking smile on my face. Alicia and I broke that damned pattern of fighting every other day. Now lets hope we can keep away from fighting from now on. She should get the title of this blog post, and in a very "Shelly" nature I will say: Yes, it is just for you. You're not imagining things.
I also have Feist's Intuition on repeat. I should change that.
I go continue with laundry and probably update my writing blog in a bit.
Did I miss out on you~
ANYWAY!
Some shit about my family here. Blahblahblah. My siblings need to make up their mind on whether they want to spend time with me or not. Blahblah!
Happy shit here.
I'm still in a great mood even though they're acting like bitches.
I'm look forward to Friday. Shaking with anticipation, actually. I think this is the first time in awhile anyone has gotten me this excited about anything. At all. The special person knows what I'm talking about, everyone else can just assume.
I find now that the very first thing I do every morning is check my e-mail for Alicia's letters. Somehow they tend to make my day better. Even funnier is that now everyone asks me "How's Alicia?" without really knowing who she is. Just that I write about her a lot. Maybe I should start tossing more names into my posts and see who gets mentioned next.
I need to return Nicole's book, too. I should put an alarm on my phone for that shit. Bah, I get nervous about seeing her. And Kyle's back in town. Yay? I'll probably see him on Monday or something so he can go ahead and do whatever so it can be over with. I don't like denying people, but I don't have a choice. It sucks.
What else? Drama? NOPE! Which puts the biggest fucking smile on my face. Alicia and I broke that damned pattern of fighting every other day. Now lets hope we can keep away from fighting from now on. She should get the title of this blog post, and in a very "Shelly" nature I will say: Yes, it is just for you. You're not imagining things.
I also have Feist's Intuition on repeat. I should change that.
I go continue with laundry and probably update my writing blog in a bit.
Did I miss out on you~
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Tap The Screen Window, Love
Two things.
First one. Don't know where I got it from, but I suddenly got an itch to write. So I embarked on the 30 Days of Creativity fun fest. Did my first post in the middle of the night last night, but I will post again soon. Fun times. I have also started working on something I will submit to the Locution Magazine before I leave for basic. Not sure if this is the direction I want to go in, seeing as I've been writing very graphic things lately, but it's fun. My writing blog can be found here: Jun's 30 Days
Second thing is, love is a battlefield! Not really, but that song is stuck in my head. I got no sleep last night. And I'm not sleepy, but it's still annoying. Alicia and I fought, AGAIN. I'm not liking this pattern at all. We make up, which is great, but I'd rather eliminate the fighting altogether. So that's what I plan on doing from now on. I am committing to this!
What else? Oh! The working on me is going well. I kind of got down on myself yesterday, but I was able to turn it around with a bit of positive thinking! GO ME! When I laid down I was thinking about it, and I'm quite proud of myself. I dealt with it very well.
Alicia also said I should try meditation, and so I will do a bit of research today, and try it later on. The clearing my mind of all thoughts part is what bothers me. But again, I will try it.
I miss Chris. I talked to him briefly last night, as he was at work, but it looks like I wont be talking to him regularly for awhile and this saddens me. I play it off like I don't like him, but I do. ;____;
Is that it...?
OH! I talked to my Aunt (who I hate) for hours yesterday. And she is so...sad. Before I used to say her odd antics are because she's crazy, but it's really because she's so worried and lonely. I feel bad for her. Don't get me wrong, she's still one crazy bitch, but to hear her talk about her daughter and life expectancy and things like that was so...hmmm...can't think of the right word right now.
Scruggins came over for a good while yesterday too. Which gave me a glance into the family dramas with the women and (hahahahahahaha!) my brother and his "men know all" bullshit. And he wonders why I don't listen to him when he tries to give me advice.
And last night two guys got mad at me like I'm dating them and I'm not. "You're with someone! OMG! Why didn't you tell me! You're such a bitch sometimes! OMG!" Geez. Calm down. And then I wake up to more bullshit this morning from one of them. I'm not with him, what doesn't he understand about that?
First one. Don't know where I got it from, but I suddenly got an itch to write. So I embarked on the 30 Days of Creativity fun fest. Did my first post in the middle of the night last night, but I will post again soon. Fun times. I have also started working on something I will submit to the Locution Magazine before I leave for basic. Not sure if this is the direction I want to go in, seeing as I've been writing very graphic things lately, but it's fun. My writing blog can be found here: Jun's 30 Days
Second thing is, love is a battlefield! Not really, but that song is stuck in my head. I got no sleep last night. And I'm not sleepy, but it's still annoying. Alicia and I fought, AGAIN. I'm not liking this pattern at all. We make up, which is great, but I'd rather eliminate the fighting altogether. So that's what I plan on doing from now on. I am committing to this!
What else? Oh! The working on me is going well. I kind of got down on myself yesterday, but I was able to turn it around with a bit of positive thinking! GO ME! When I laid down I was thinking about it, and I'm quite proud of myself. I dealt with it very well.
Alicia also said I should try meditation, and so I will do a bit of research today, and try it later on. The clearing my mind of all thoughts part is what bothers me. But again, I will try it.
I miss Chris. I talked to him briefly last night, as he was at work, but it looks like I wont be talking to him regularly for awhile and this saddens me. I play it off like I don't like him, but I do. ;____;
Is that it...?
OH! I talked to my Aunt (who I hate) for hours yesterday. And she is so...sad. Before I used to say her odd antics are because she's crazy, but it's really because she's so worried and lonely. I feel bad for her. Don't get me wrong, she's still one crazy bitch, but to hear her talk about her daughter and life expectancy and things like that was so...hmmm...can't think of the right word right now.
Scruggins came over for a good while yesterday too. Which gave me a glance into the family dramas with the women and (hahahahahahaha!) my brother and his "men know all" bullshit. And he wonders why I don't listen to him when he tries to give me advice.
And last night two guys got mad at me like I'm dating them and I'm not. "You're with someone! OMG! Why didn't you tell me! You're such a bitch sometimes! OMG!" Geez. Calm down. And then I wake up to more bullshit this morning from one of them. I'm not with him, what doesn't he understand about that?
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Drama, Batman, and Sex
I didn't write yesterday because of random things going on all at once. But now, I am in a great mood~ And so I write.
Had a not so great start to my day yesterday thanks to my big mouth. I should really know when to stop pushing people's buttons. And so I hurt someone and also got hurt in return. (Sound familiar?) No lashing out this time, though. I sat around and then went to see a late showing of Batman.
Batman was awesome. Wont spoil it but the Joker definitely made the movie for me. Whenever he was on screen, it was GREAT. Other than that, I feel it may have had a bit too much talking (not one for placing conversation in the middle of fight scenes and what not). But still, overall a good movie.
Anyway, I came home to the dramas! Calls on my cell phone and e-mails in my inbox. I tried to apologize to the appropriate people. Those who didn't get an apology, well....you just weren't my top priority at the time. Can't say I'm sorry, because someone was more important.
Anyway, once I waited around trying to get a hold of her (figured not naming this person was best since some people who read my blog would know her) I decided to pass out. And pass out I did. Went to sleep at 5:00, woke up at 7:45 from a nightmare.
Luckily, I tried and was able to get a hold of her. There was some back and forth, a lot of me crying like a big baby, and everything was somehow settled by that wonderful thing called sex.
And I am pleased with that outcome.
And my Italian is meh~
Io sono una donna. Io sono alto. Io sono vecchia. ;____;
Not really, but it's a fun word to say. "Vecchia~"
That's it! Happy Shelly is really happy~<3
Had a not so great start to my day yesterday thanks to my big mouth. I should really know when to stop pushing people's buttons. And so I hurt someone and also got hurt in return. (Sound familiar?) No lashing out this time, though. I sat around and then went to see a late showing of Batman.
Batman was awesome. Wont spoil it but the Joker definitely made the movie for me. Whenever he was on screen, it was GREAT. Other than that, I feel it may have had a bit too much talking (not one for placing conversation in the middle of fight scenes and what not). But still, overall a good movie.
Anyway, I came home to the dramas! Calls on my cell phone and e-mails in my inbox. I tried to apologize to the appropriate people. Those who didn't get an apology, well....you just weren't my top priority at the time. Can't say I'm sorry, because someone was more important.
Anyway, once I waited around trying to get a hold of her (figured not naming this person was best since some people who read my blog would know her) I decided to pass out. And pass out I did. Went to sleep at 5:00, woke up at 7:45 from a nightmare.
Luckily, I tried and was able to get a hold of her. There was some back and forth, a lot of me crying like a big baby, and everything was somehow settled by that wonderful thing called sex.
And I am pleased with that outcome.
And my Italian is meh~
Io sono una donna. Io sono alto. Io sono vecchia. ;____;
Not really, but it's a fun word to say. "Vecchia~"
That's it! Happy Shelly is really happy~<3
Thursday, July 17, 2008
And The Clouds Opened Up...
I am having a brilliantly fantastic day! And I have no idea why!
I fell asleep to drama, I woke up to drama, and yet I kept a smile on my face. I am so generally happy it's insane!
So lets ramble about some nerdy bullshit~ \o/
Since Mary has been on hiatus (in my head, har!) I decided to dive a bit deeper into Joseph, who is part of the same series of stories as Mary. Out of all of the characters I've ever created from scratch, Mary and Joseph certainly are my favourite. (And yes, perhaps that is a play on their name. You will have to wait and see.) When I write from each character's perspective, being the nerd I am, I have to listen to certain music. Well, there is always music in the background because I love it so. But I listen to certain things. Like for Mary, I use Keane and for Joseph, I use Chevelle.
Of course there are other characters, but for some reason those two are the most active in my imagination right now.
I haven't been painting lately because (harharhar!) I don't have any canvases. Fucking go me! But since I'm not working, I can't BUY any right now. So I get to wait. I highly doubt I'll be painting in the AF unless I get an apartment or something. Which I doubt I will do.
Working out is going well...nothing else to say about that really. "I did a bajillion sit-ups!" just seems dumb. Ah! I started using some free site to learn Italian since I have an assload of free time. I've barely used it though, which is kind of funny. But it works! I learned really easy sentences, but it was fun.
I was reading this old story I used to work on, holy crap it's horrid! That is all.
Watched the first day of E3 with my sister. XBox is blowing them all out of the water. Nintendo needs to step away from "Mii" games and try to get some good shit. And the PS3 hasn't been doing well to begin with. Even though their games are gorgeous! My God, those graphics are amazing! Both the Wii and the PS3 are lacking in games, and since the PS3 is sharing a lot of titles with the XBox, people are gonna go with the cheaper system. So far, the only plus of the PS3 is that it can play BluRay. Good for it.
And that's all my ramblings for right now~
Damn, I'm so happy! It's crazy. I doubt anything could bring me down today~
I fell asleep to drama, I woke up to drama, and yet I kept a smile on my face. I am so generally happy it's insane!
So lets ramble about some nerdy bullshit~ \o/
Since Mary has been on hiatus (in my head, har!) I decided to dive a bit deeper into Joseph, who is part of the same series of stories as Mary. Out of all of the characters I've ever created from scratch, Mary and Joseph certainly are my favourite. (And yes, perhaps that is a play on their name. You will have to wait and see.) When I write from each character's perspective, being the nerd I am, I have to listen to certain music. Well, there is always music in the background because I love it so. But I listen to certain things. Like for Mary, I use Keane and for Joseph, I use Chevelle.
Of course there are other characters, but for some reason those two are the most active in my imagination right now.
I haven't been painting lately because (harharhar!) I don't have any canvases. Fucking go me! But since I'm not working, I can't BUY any right now. So I get to wait. I highly doubt I'll be painting in the AF unless I get an apartment or something. Which I doubt I will do.
Working out is going well...nothing else to say about that really. "I did a bajillion sit-ups!" just seems dumb. Ah! I started using some free site to learn Italian since I have an assload of free time. I've barely used it though, which is kind of funny. But it works! I learned really easy sentences, but it was fun.
I was reading this old story I used to work on, holy crap it's horrid! That is all.
Watched the first day of E3 with my sister. XBox is blowing them all out of the water. Nintendo needs to step away from "Mii" games and try to get some good shit. And the PS3 hasn't been doing well to begin with. Even though their games are gorgeous! My God, those graphics are amazing! Both the Wii and the PS3 are lacking in games, and since the PS3 is sharing a lot of titles with the XBox, people are gonna go with the cheaper system. So far, the only plus of the PS3 is that it can play BluRay. Good for it.
And that's all my ramblings for right now~
Damn, I'm so happy! It's crazy. I doubt anything could bring me down today~
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
What Is This Wicked Love?
This is the first time ANYONE will be able to read this. In two years, I have not uttered a word about this to anyone. Until today. Alicia, somehow, got it out of me. And I decided I needed to write it down because I can never be happy in a relationship until I get rid of her. Completely.
I surely don't talk to her anymore, as I'd blocked her out of my life completely the last time she tried to talk to me. But still this...our relationship. I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it.
It will be four years ago in September. Four years ago I walked in a Biology class and got asked where I was from. Angel was bold. Giving me her number, asking for mine, WANTING to see me. But I didn't pursue it. One semester of accidental meetings and mixed signals was how she waited for me to make my move. She told me once, in the very beginning, she never thought it would come. Never thought I would be interested.
Until I was on campus and called her. And we spent the day together and that was that. I spent more time with her and eventually it just became dating. And we both fell hard, or so I thought. And I was content for a year. My fourth semester at Daemen I moved on to campus. And regretted it. I lived with Angel, and two others. Noel and Michelle. Both of whom claimed to fall in love with me. They told me Angel was cheating on me with a guy on campus, so on Angel's birthday I got really fucking drunk. We went to his dorm room and dragged him back to our's. Angel, of course, wasn't with us.
We sat him down, explained the situation, and he was not pleased. I should have noticed then. But naive me did not. And so when Angel said they were just friends, I believed her.
I stopped going to class and ended up withdrawing, biggest regret of my life. Angel talked me into going back to New York City with her, as Noel would pull me aside to try and save me. I don't know why I didn't trust her. I ended up hurting the people I cared about with fucked up remarks. So in May I headed to NYC to be with someone I cared about.
Immediately, things started to spiral out of control. She would leave me for days and seemed to not want to be around me. She hated introducing me to her friends.
The three months FLEW by, and she prepared to leave me so she could head back to school with the guy she'd been cheating on me with. And I snapped. We fought. Physically, yelling, crying, slamming of doors. But in the end she left me anyway.
And so I locked myself up. Anything I liked about myself died right then. She didn't love me.
So I slept. I really don't know for how long or if it was long at all, since I had a lost a since of time and dates while there. Someone ended up coming in to get me out, and then the truth was revealed. It came out like verbal horse shit. All the lies came pouring out, and her friends had no problem telling me.
She had lied to them. Told them I was infatuated with her, but she could not stand me. I was her "disabled puppy." Cute and cuddly, but a bit too needy, and you felt too guilty to return it.
She used me.
Abused me.
And left me shattered.
I hated her. And I can never forgive her. Because of her, I have a hard time having a successful relationship. Because of her, I question everything someone I care about says to me.
But I refuse to let her keep that hold on me.
I don't talk to her, and now she wont be in my thoughts. Ever.
I surely don't talk to her anymore, as I'd blocked her out of my life completely the last time she tried to talk to me. But still this...our relationship. I'd be lying if I said I never thought about it.
It will be four years ago in September. Four years ago I walked in a Biology class and got asked where I was from. Angel was bold. Giving me her number, asking for mine, WANTING to see me. But I didn't pursue it. One semester of accidental meetings and mixed signals was how she waited for me to make my move. She told me once, in the very beginning, she never thought it would come. Never thought I would be interested.
Until I was on campus and called her. And we spent the day together and that was that. I spent more time with her and eventually it just became dating. And we both fell hard, or so I thought. And I was content for a year. My fourth semester at Daemen I moved on to campus. And regretted it. I lived with Angel, and two others. Noel and Michelle. Both of whom claimed to fall in love with me. They told me Angel was cheating on me with a guy on campus, so on Angel's birthday I got really fucking drunk. We went to his dorm room and dragged him back to our's. Angel, of course, wasn't with us.
We sat him down, explained the situation, and he was not pleased. I should have noticed then. But naive me did not. And so when Angel said they were just friends, I believed her.
I stopped going to class and ended up withdrawing, biggest regret of my life. Angel talked me into going back to New York City with her, as Noel would pull me aside to try and save me. I don't know why I didn't trust her. I ended up hurting the people I cared about with fucked up remarks. So in May I headed to NYC to be with someone I cared about.
Immediately, things started to spiral out of control. She would leave me for days and seemed to not want to be around me. She hated introducing me to her friends.
The three months FLEW by, and she prepared to leave me so she could head back to school with the guy she'd been cheating on me with. And I snapped. We fought. Physically, yelling, crying, slamming of doors. But in the end she left me anyway.
And so I locked myself up. Anything I liked about myself died right then. She didn't love me.
So I slept. I really don't know for how long or if it was long at all, since I had a lost a since of time and dates while there. Someone ended up coming in to get me out, and then the truth was revealed. It came out like verbal horse shit. All the lies came pouring out, and her friends had no problem telling me.
She had lied to them. Told them I was infatuated with her, but she could not stand me. I was her "disabled puppy." Cute and cuddly, but a bit too needy, and you felt too guilty to return it.
She used me.
Abused me.
And left me shattered.
I hated her. And I can never forgive her. Because of her, I have a hard time having a successful relationship. Because of her, I question everything someone I care about says to me.
But I refuse to let her keep that hold on me.
I don't talk to her, and now she wont be in my thoughts. Ever.
Verizon Wishes Me Well
So, two years ago I signed up for Verizon Wireless (go me). Everyone talked about how great they were, and still are. So I figured, why not? June 1 my bill ended this year and since I switched to T-Mobile I decided not to renew my bill.
June 1st came and went and I received a bill. I thought nothing odd and paid it as it was May-June. I wake up today and there is yet, another bill. So I call.
I guess unlike other people I didn't know about the calling in to cancel service since my bill didn't say anything and not even my contract said I needed to call in. Silly me.
So anyway, I call. First lady tells me I need to pay a cancellation fee. I call bullshit and ask to talk to her supervisor. Supervisor comes on, she talks about me downgrading my phone I say no and then she also says I need to pay a cancellation fee. Now I'm pissed and cuss her out. I then ask to speak to whoever is above her. Some other lady gets on the phone and blahblahblah cancellation fee blahblahblah plus this bill and the next bill you receive will have to be paid. Now I'm really pissed. I calm myself down, tell her to have a nice day, hang up and now I'm preparing myself to deal with this.
Issue is, I'm not currently working. I'm paying my T-Mobile bill, my Verizon bill (now), and my loans back. I wont be leaving until September so I'm in an odd situation. But I still need to turn my T-Mobile bill off before I go. This is crazy.
[Sidenote] Just called back and they are making me pay Jun-July and July-August. Apparently, I am just too stupid to see that I was supposed to call.
June 1st came and went and I received a bill. I thought nothing odd and paid it as it was May-June. I wake up today and there is yet, another bill. So I call.
I guess unlike other people I didn't know about the calling in to cancel service since my bill didn't say anything and not even my contract said I needed to call in. Silly me.
So anyway, I call. First lady tells me I need to pay a cancellation fee. I call bullshit and ask to talk to her supervisor. Supervisor comes on, she talks about me downgrading my phone I say no and then she also says I need to pay a cancellation fee. Now I'm pissed and cuss her out. I then ask to speak to whoever is above her. Some other lady gets on the phone and blahblahblah cancellation fee blahblahblah plus this bill and the next bill you receive will have to be paid. Now I'm really pissed. I calm myself down, tell her to have a nice day, hang up and now I'm preparing myself to deal with this.
Issue is, I'm not currently working. I'm paying my T-Mobile bill, my Verizon bill (now), and my loans back. I wont be leaving until September so I'm in an odd situation. But I still need to turn my T-Mobile bill off before I go. This is crazy.
[Sidenote] Just called back and they are making me pay Jun-July and July-August. Apparently, I am just too stupid to see that I was supposed to call.
Monday, July 14, 2008
A Little Someone Named Alicia
So, Alicia told me my blog is sad and that I should write about something happy. And I explained to her that I write about the sad stuff to get rid of that feeling, but happiness is something I want to hold on to. So I try not to write about it. But I think I should. I think she's right. Sadly, I haven't been too happy lately. I'm surprised she still puts up with my bullshit. Nicole too.
But I'm working on it! Inside I feel torn, but I'm finally taking the time to take care of me. And damn is it scary in there. Since my sleep schedule is fucked, and I'm not getting much sleep anyway, I just lie there staring at the ceiling. Thinking. Shifting my things around, working it out.
Scary thing happened last night. I realized I trusted someone. Actually TRUSTED. Not that bullshit, "I trust you" fake word shit. Actual trust. And it scared the shit out of me. Last person I trusted was Angel, and the last time I trusted her was...holy shit, almost three years ago? When we finally ended, there wasn't even a tiny bit of trust left. So for me to trust someone again, that is huge!
My patience is running thin with waiting around. I'm tired. And drained. Also bored out of my mind. But it looks like some of my friends from college are driving up from Syracuse to treat me to an awesome birthday. Noel talked to me at length yesterday about this, so I'm happy. I think that will be my last day online before I go. Well...the day before my birthday, anyway.
Noel will probably be here for a few days so I will hang out with her while she's in town, have the cook out with my family, spend a few days saying goodbye to everyone and then boarding the plane to San Antonio, TX. Which means I probably wont be back until December/January time. I'm excited and ready.
Alicia said she will write me every week while I'm away. I'm looking forward to that. I don't think she really truly understands how much that will mean to me. Or she does and she just likes seeing me trip over my words.
Hmmm...what else? Oh! My myspace is coming down. As well as my facebook, probably. No real reason to keep them up, in my opinion. Well, maybe my facebook.
I think that's it~
But I'm working on it! Inside I feel torn, but I'm finally taking the time to take care of me. And damn is it scary in there. Since my sleep schedule is fucked, and I'm not getting much sleep anyway, I just lie there staring at the ceiling. Thinking. Shifting my things around, working it out.
Scary thing happened last night. I realized I trusted someone. Actually TRUSTED. Not that bullshit, "I trust you" fake word shit. Actual trust. And it scared the shit out of me. Last person I trusted was Angel, and the last time I trusted her was...holy shit, almost three years ago? When we finally ended, there wasn't even a tiny bit of trust left. So for me to trust someone again, that is huge!
My patience is running thin with waiting around. I'm tired. And drained. Also bored out of my mind. But it looks like some of my friends from college are driving up from Syracuse to treat me to an awesome birthday. Noel talked to me at length yesterday about this, so I'm happy. I think that will be my last day online before I go. Well...the day before my birthday, anyway.
Noel will probably be here for a few days so I will hang out with her while she's in town, have the cook out with my family, spend a few days saying goodbye to everyone and then boarding the plane to San Antonio, TX. Which means I probably wont be back until December/January time. I'm excited and ready.
Alicia said she will write me every week while I'm away. I'm looking forward to that. I don't think she really truly understands how much that will mean to me. Or she does and she just likes seeing me trip over my words.
Hmmm...what else? Oh! My myspace is coming down. As well as my facebook, probably. No real reason to keep them up, in my opinion. Well, maybe my facebook.
I think that's it~
Saturday, July 12, 2008
And Then There Was One
These past few weeks have been really hard for me. I have beaten down and I can't take it. To say I can would be a lie. I've been through some tough shit, such as the Angel bullshit, and I survived. I was able to pick myself up off the floor and say "Fuck you." As loudly as I possibly could. I was broken, but it was ok.
But then, I thought I would not fall for anyone ever again and that didn't work.
Bart came into my life.
And as uncomfortable as I was with the situation he reassured me that it would nothing like my previous fuck up. Yet it was.
And in shambles it ended. Today I showed Bart my previous entry, and today he made it clear he didn't want to talk anymore. And so I took the necessary steps to not think about him. Blocked him out of my life. I don't want to see how happily he converses with everyone else on IRC while ignoring me. I don't want to see his updated statuses on FaceBook. I don't want to see him come on to MSN and not say hello.
If I could go back in time, I would have never taken my walls down. I would have protected my heart to the end. Because even though I caused this, I was ok with being his friend. But at least now I know it's not what he wanted.
So I rebuild my wall as best I can. Fully this time. Stephanie said I should stay offline, but it's hard. It's not like I didn't already have friends there before all of this began.
Anyway, this is my way of saying goodbye Bart. Even though he'll never see this.
But then, I thought I would not fall for anyone ever again and that didn't work.
Bart came into my life.
And as uncomfortable as I was with the situation he reassured me that it would nothing like my previous fuck up. Yet it was.
And in shambles it ended. Today I showed Bart my previous entry, and today he made it clear he didn't want to talk anymore. And so I took the necessary steps to not think about him. Blocked him out of my life. I don't want to see how happily he converses with everyone else on IRC while ignoring me. I don't want to see his updated statuses on FaceBook. I don't want to see him come on to MSN and not say hello.
If I could go back in time, I would have never taken my walls down. I would have protected my heart to the end. Because even though I caused this, I was ok with being his friend. But at least now I know it's not what he wanted.
So I rebuild my wall as best I can. Fully this time. Stephanie said I should stay offline, but it's hard. It's not like I didn't already have friends there before all of this began.
Anyway, this is my way of saying goodbye Bart. Even though he'll never see this.
Friday, July 11, 2008
My dad had brought me outside. Called me through the screen door with a cigarette between his lips. I came running down the stairs and went outside, unsure of why he called me. We walked to the back of the house, a trail of smoke following him.
We sat down, two seats placed overlooking the lawn.
"Shelly," he said. His hand running over his beard. "We...should talk."
I help my breath, just looking at him. My mind began to race. Who died? Whose sick? Where's CJ? What happened?
"With children there comes a day where they wake up, look at themselves in the mirror, and decide whether or not they like themselves," he flicked his cigarette, the ashes catching the wind and floating over our gate. "And parents have to prepare their children for that day. Because they never know when it's going to happen. In your eyes, I see...I know that your mother didn't prepare you for that day."
I could feel my palms getting sweaty. I did not want this talk right now.
"Shelly, I love you. And you're not a bad person," he licked his lips and looked me in the eye. "You're hurting. And you don't like who you are, but you're ok. There's nothing wrong with you. You're ok," he placed his hand on my shoulder.
He empathized. He understood. He cared.
He saw me when no one else did. When my mother ignored my fleeting worries whispered to her before I went to sleep. When my brother and sister didn't want to hang out with me because I was too "different."
I hated myself. I hate myself. But he loved me. And he told me so.
"What you do now, this isn't going to change how you feel about yourself," he said. "The Air Force can't fix this."
This I know, but I need some structure. Need something to keep my mind off of this. Off of how I feel. I know this isn't going to change anything. I know that fixing myself has to start inside of me, but so far, through everything, it hasn't worked.
"Bart," my dad said, "He sees you're hurting. You need to make a choice. Stay with him and hurt or let him go and fix yourself. You can't fully love him until you really truly love yourself."
And I nodded. He told me to think about it. So I went inside and cried. Cried two days straight. Let it out. And in the end I felt a bit better.
But I knew what I had to do. So the next day, I made up some bullshit excuse. Told Bart I needed to breathe. To get my head straight. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that deep down I felt like shit, because after I was better, would he want me? And I slowly rebuilt my wall around my heart. To protect myself as we both lashed out baring our fangs. We aimed to hurt. And hurt each other we did.
In the end we were both beaten and tired. He couldn't do it anymore, and so he protected his own heart. And in noticing this, a part of me shattered. I regretted my decision and reached out to him, only to have him lash out at me. As I had done to him so many times before. I missed him. I needed him.
I still do.
But I still look in the mirror, and the woman staring back at me is just as shattered as she was when this all began. Where do I begin to fix this? Can I? He tells me yes. But I doubt it. And that is something I need to understand.
That, I cannot change. But I need to take the time to fix me.
We sat down, two seats placed overlooking the lawn.
"Shelly," he said. His hand running over his beard. "We...should talk."
I help my breath, just looking at him. My mind began to race. Who died? Whose sick? Where's CJ? What happened?
"With children there comes a day where they wake up, look at themselves in the mirror, and decide whether or not they like themselves," he flicked his cigarette, the ashes catching the wind and floating over our gate. "And parents have to prepare their children for that day. Because they never know when it's going to happen. In your eyes, I see...I know that your mother didn't prepare you for that day."
I could feel my palms getting sweaty. I did not want this talk right now.
"Shelly, I love you. And you're not a bad person," he licked his lips and looked me in the eye. "You're hurting. And you don't like who you are, but you're ok. There's nothing wrong with you. You're ok," he placed his hand on my shoulder.
He empathized. He understood. He cared.
He saw me when no one else did. When my mother ignored my fleeting worries whispered to her before I went to sleep. When my brother and sister didn't want to hang out with me because I was too "different."
I hated myself. I hate myself. But he loved me. And he told me so.
"What you do now, this isn't going to change how you feel about yourself," he said. "The Air Force can't fix this."
This I know, but I need some structure. Need something to keep my mind off of this. Off of how I feel. I know this isn't going to change anything. I know that fixing myself has to start inside of me, but so far, through everything, it hasn't worked.
"Bart," my dad said, "He sees you're hurting. You need to make a choice. Stay with him and hurt or let him go and fix yourself. You can't fully love him until you really truly love yourself."
And I nodded. He told me to think about it. So I went inside and cried. Cried two days straight. Let it out. And in the end I felt a bit better.
But I knew what I had to do. So the next day, I made up some bullshit excuse. Told Bart I needed to breathe. To get my head straight. I couldn't bring myself to tell him that deep down I felt like shit, because after I was better, would he want me? And I slowly rebuilt my wall around my heart. To protect myself as we both lashed out baring our fangs. We aimed to hurt. And hurt each other we did.
In the end we were both beaten and tired. He couldn't do it anymore, and so he protected his own heart. And in noticing this, a part of me shattered. I regretted my decision and reached out to him, only to have him lash out at me. As I had done to him so many times before. I missed him. I needed him.
I still do.
But I still look in the mirror, and the woman staring back at me is just as shattered as she was when this all began. Where do I begin to fix this? Can I? He tells me yes. But I doubt it. And that is something I need to understand.
That, I cannot change. But I need to take the time to fix me.
Monday, July 7, 2008
Sexy Pill
I used to think about the prescriptions that would make me better. Small bottle of fix it alls hidden away. A key could put it into my hands. That key being the sly signature of some fucked up doctor, too caught up in money to give a shit. 300 dollars under the table and I got me a free ride, baby. 300 dollars and I got me an unlimited supply of cure all. Pure sex was what it was when I slipped it on my tongue. All my fears and anxieties melting away like ice cream left outside on a 100 degree day. "Tastes like honey," always seemed to escape my lips right before my mind went black and two more brain cells perished like ants under my feet. My body goes numb and jolts of euphoria make my heart skip a beat as it travels up my legs and turns me on so bad I could cum right then. And just like that, just the moment before I close my eyes and let out that desperate sigh, it all wears off and I snap back to reality. Back to pain and grief and piss soaked pants, drool running onto my shirt and tears screaming down my face. I say, "Fuck." Short and sweet. Damn you, sexy pill. It's time to take another.
Note: This is just some of my writing. I figure I want to be able to share it. Because that's why I write. So no, you don't have to worry about me. I am not on drugs. This is just a little something I wrote for a friend.
Note: This is just some of my writing. I figure I want to be able to share it. Because that's why I write. So no, you don't have to worry about me. I am not on drugs. This is just a little something I wrote for a friend.
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