I Think We Have An Emergency

Slowly and steadily, I'm learning who I am.

In life, I have spent time building this wall around myself. After certain things happened, I'd put another brick in place. I would make myself my own sanctuary. To protect my heart, my beliefs...me. I was important.

But this summer, I needed to know. I couldn't go on feeling like shit and just dealing with it. Certainly, I have a feeling it was depression and I know what caused the first few bricks to fall into place, but I couldn't walk around feeling sorry for myself anymore. I needed to get over it and get over it quickly.

This time, I needed to save myself for a different reason. I needed to save myself so I could be happy.

And in a few months, I have successfully ripped down my walls. And I'm happy with that. Happier than I have ever felt as far back as I can remember.

Music has been my savior through all of this. What I will do without it in basic, I have no idea. Slow, sad songs when I knew I needed to cry. Let it all out. Fast, upbeat songs when I needed to chipper up. Really fast songs with a hard beat when I worked out until I cried from frustration (so many asses I want to kick).

On a happier note!

I got all of my things for basic yesterday. I was feeling really shitty and almost passed out at one point, but now I feel great again. Which is always a good thing. I'm not one for being sick at all, since it's rare that it happens. But when I do feel horrid, it's usually really bad.

This one consisted of a sore throat, agonizing migraine, chest pains, and tingly limbs. I would suddenly be hot or cold and felt drained constantly. I was not pleased. It only lasted three or four days, though. Thank God.

Tomorrow I will have exactly a week left. Some of you will receive an e-mail from me that day saying, well, whatever it is I feel I need to say to you. And then I ship off. Away to a new life. A fake life. At least, for awhile.

And in the madness that is the Air Force, I want to stick to my plan. Get my BSc and get the fuck out. I planned on making a career out of it, but...this summer has jolted life back into me. This will give me time away from my family to continue on the path of finding out more about myself. Living life. Trying things.

Being happy.

What happens from here on out is up to me. I can whine and moan and make it the worst experience of my life. Or I can grab life by the balls, stare it in the eye, and take charge.