Noel

This year has /not/ been easy for me. From running into Nicole on my first day of classes in January to the car accident in February, quickly followed by the downfall of Bart and peaking interest in Nicole. Then when classes started up I had to tell her about going into the military, she practically begged me not to. Not because...whatever it was that was happening between us, but because she feared in the confusion of military life I'd lose who I was. The semester wrapped up, we went our separate ways (even though I still have her book and get occasional texts from her).

In May I joined the Air Force and happily started up my last class for my Associates. May and June were alright. Occasionally hearing from both Bart and Nicole and I had started flirting with Alicia around this time. July I finished up my class. Associate's received. Maria became more active in my life, which was nice. But it didn't last long, as always. But before she left quietly, she made sure a lot of my dirty laundry was out. She told Alicia almost all of the things I wanted to keep hidden. She had learned these things by going through my stuff. Not pleased.

Defense mechanisms go up. August comes. Get things in order for basic, keep my heart guarded. Hear from Nicole in the beginning of the month. Things begin to spiral out of my control and I almost lose it trying to figure out how to fix everything. Where do I begin?! I've been lying to myself and others for so long, I'm just not ready to face the truth!

Noel gets the brunt of my...shitty attitude. And yet she stays calm. This woman who has loved me silently for two years. Watched me go through shitty relationship after shitty relationship after shitty relationship. And yet and still, she stayed by my side occasionally adding her two cents but pretty much staying out of it.

But after years of not showing myself to her fully, I dumped onto her fully yesterday. Almost everything. At least, what little of everything I could before she had to go to work. She didn't judge, just listened and occasionally commented.

She said something, sadly I didn't scribble it down when I had the chance, but it made sense to me. I'm not even going to try and repeat all of what she said. But basically she said that when her life seems horrible she doesn't get down. Because she knows that she is young enough to fix it. So even if I'm not happy with my life right now, how I feel about myself, how I react to things, how I treat others, I still have so much time to fix myself and my situation.

I should stop trying to take the easy, selfish way out and face this.

Face everything.

No more running.