Unhealthy

(09:45:49 PM) Shelly: meri~
(09:45:56 PM) Meristele: heya~~~
(09:46:02 PM) Shelly: How are you?
(09:46:15 PM) Meristele: well! and you? :)
(09:46:20 PM) Shelly: I'm...alright...
(09:46:44 PM) Meristele: you sounds uncertain...
(09:46:52 PM) Meristele: /tilts her head.
(09:46:58 PM) Meristele: are you /sure/?
(09:47:06 PM) Shelly: I'm just on edge.
(09:47:09 PM) Shelly: Nervous.
(09:47:18 PM) Shelly: Hands are a little shaky.
(09:47:31 PM) Meristele: what is making you so?
(09:47:50 PM) Shelly: [edit out]
(09:48:49 PM) Meristele: wow.
(09:49:00 PM) Meristele: is she good for you?
(09:49:14 PM) Shelly: Yes. I just think the timing is wrong.
(09:49:24 PM) Meristele: ah?
(09:49:40 PM) Shelly: I'm dealing with a lot right now in terms of transitioning.
(09:49:58 PM) Shelly: I need to move, get situated, start school, and get comfortable again.
(09:50:06 PM) Shelly: Right now I'm so on edge it's annoying.
(09:50:12 PM) Meristele: /thinks.
(09:50:27 PM) Meristele: it sounds like a good time for it, actually.
(09:50:32 PM) Shelly: How so?
(09:51:53 PM) Meristele: because it can be a huge support to have someone thrown in with you in craziness. You can find ways to work together that make both of you more than you can be apart. And the memories from such times can be very strong.
(09:52:58 PM) Meristele: just because you're used to being the lead in a relationship, or the strong one, doesn't mean that she can't do the same for you sometimes.
(09:53:16 PM) Meristele: /ponders.
(09:53:58 PM) Meristele: I suppose that it comes down to whether she's high maintenance and will suck energy, or if you get reenergized when you're with her.
(09:54:45 PM) Shelly: Definitely reenergized...I've known her for years and she's always been there for me. Through everything.
(09:54:58 PM) Meristele: \o/
(09:55:40 PM) Meristele: look, it sounds like you're leaving your parents house, which for whatever reason makes you anxious and self hurting when you live there
(09:56:05 PM) Meristele: and you have the chance to start in a new home with someone who makes you feel great
(09:56:18 PM) Meristele: /smiles lopsidedly.
(09:56:46 PM) Meristele: you sound rather like me; afraid that because it's you, it'll be messed up somehow....
(09:56:57 PM) Shelly: Yes...I always mess it up.
(09:57:14 PM) Meristele: ah, but you've grown a lot in the last six months.
(09:57:30 PM) Meristele: the change in you when you got back from boot was amazing.
(09:57:47 PM) Meristele: and then you started to regress once your mom started digging in again
(09:57:52 PM) Shelly: You noticed a change?
(09:57:55 PM) Meristele: oh yes.
(09:58:13 PM) Meristele: in both phases.
(09:58:28 PM) Meristele: I think that moving out will be a very, very good thing for you.
(09:58:42 PM) Shelly: Both phases?
(09:59:10 PM) Meristele: and even if you have a hard time trusting yourself, /I/ trust you, and she trusts you. Take our word for it this time. ;)
(09:59:43 PM) Meristele: yes. both phases. right when you got back, you freaking GLOWED, you were so gorgeous.
(10:00:08 PM) Meristele: and you had the courage to be honest with yourself, your friends, and your family.
(10:00:29 PM) Meristele: then your mom freaked, and you slowly grew dim and uncertain again.
(10:01:15 PM) Meristele: /thinks that if she lived close enough, she would have had Jun move in with her IMMEDIATELY before any more damage had been done.
(10:01:48 PM) Shelly: Wow...
(10:01:58 PM) Meristele: /becomes self concious.
(10:02:02 PM) Meristele: erm...
(10:02:07 PM) Meristele: ^_^;;
(10:02:10 PM) Shelly: Heh...
(10:02:23 PM) Shelly: Well, my trip to Syracuse fueled me on.
(10:02:40 PM) Shelly: I'm absolutely sure I want to do this.
(10:02:44 PM) Meristele: /nods.
(10:03:02 PM) Shelly: So, I'm gonna talk to my father and head back there.
(10:03:11 PM) Meristele: \o/
(10:03:39 PM) Shelly: Get myself situated and then start hormones, probably.
(10:03:51 PM) Meristele: I'm glad <3
(10:04:29 PM) Shelly: I think you're the only one who noticed a change.
(10:04:38 PM) Shelly: Everyone else was like, "lol what change?"
(10:04:42 PM) Meristele: ...
(10:05:02 PM) Meristele: /thinks that people must see differently where Jun lives.
(10:05:18 PM) Meristele: it was about as subtle as an elephant in the living room.
(10:05:35 PM) Shelly: Hahahaha!
(10:05:40 PM) Meristele: /grins.
(10:05:57 PM) Meristele: honestly, even all the words you used of yourself changed. <3
(10:06:14 PM) Shelly: What do you mean?
(10:06:36 PM) Meristele: ...
(10:06:43 PM) Meristele: hm. how to explain...
(10:06:50 PM) Meristele: /scratches her head.
(10:06:59 PM) Meristele: you were a doing person.
(10:07:16 PM) Meristele: you used action words and positive statements about yourself.
(10:07:33 PM) Meristele: you said assertive things, instead of waffling.
(10:07:36 PM) Shelly: When I came back?
(10:07:38 PM) Meristele: yes.
(10:07:52 PM) Shelly: Hmmm...I didn't even notice that.
(10:08:02 PM) Meristele: heh
(10:08:19 PM) Meristele: you felt good about yourself, and it /showed/.
(10:08:33 PM) Meristele: in your body language, in your speech.
(10:08:37 PM) Shelly: That dwindled, I know.
(10:08:41 PM) Meristele: oh yes.
(10:09:08 PM) Meristele: I really have strong opinions on the healthiness of you living in the same residence as your mom right now.
(10:09:21 PM) Shelly: Seriously?
(10:10:08 PM) Meristele: yes. ^_^;; Enough to say that ^ when usually I will not say /anything/ of the sort about people I don't know.
(10:11:16 PM) Shelly: Damn, meri...I didn't know you paid attention like /THAT/.
(10:11:23 PM) Meristele: ...
(10:11:33 PM) Meristele: like wut? I'm always like this?
(10:12:09 PM) Shelly: I mean, you just know all these little things I didn't even notice.
(10:12:39 PM) Meristele: ah. It gets me in trouble sometimes, so I don't always let it peep out. :/
(10:13:26 PM) Meristele: I guess I just like to see my friends being themselves. ;>
(10:13:42 PM) Shelly: Yes.
(10:14:26 PM) Meristele: /looks a little cautious.
(10:15:07 PM) Meristele: did I scare you or freak you out? Sometimes people feel that way too. As if I'd judge them or something, or that they feel exposed. :/
(10:15:19 PM) Shelly: Not at all.
(10:15:24 PM) Meristele: /whew
(10:15:26 PM) Shelly: I just want that piece of me back.
(10:15:31 PM) Meristele: /nods
(10:16:23 PM) Meristele: I think you need to live far enough from your mom to reach back for that feeling, and let it seat deeply in yourself.
(10:16:57 PM) Meristele: because you really are wonderful, and it makes me want to hurt someone to see you wounded.
(10:17:03 PM) Shelly: Syracuse is a few hours away, and she's made it clear she wont come see me if I start transitioning anyway.
(10:17:11 PM) Meristele: /nods.
(10:18:01 PM) Meristele: you can find a different balance with her at a another time. Right now you need this time and space~
(10:18:07 PM) Shelly: I agree.
(10:18:36 PM) Meristele: And if your friend wishes to be with you through this and she reenergizes you, I think it's great~
(10:19:15 PM) Shelly: You know...I think I'm gonna put this in my blog...
(10:19:24 PM) Meristele: hm?
(10:19:46 PM) Shelly: This conversation.
(10:20:07 PM) Meristele: ah~ It's your conversation. I give it to you. ;)
(10:20:24 PM) Shelly: Hahahaha! Thank you.