Shattered Porcelain

We were hoping for some romance,
All we found was more despair.
We must talk about our problems,
We are in a state of flux.

That's it. In a feeling similar to crashing waves, we ended. And the lights dimmed. My happiness faltered like a flickering light in the darkness of night. I closed my eyes. Tried to push through it. Told myself it was ok. But it's not. So I wrote a decently sized e-mail. I wanted to write it all, tell her everything. Dump my heart out to her, but I couldn't. Not through some bullshit e-mail. So, instead, I told her goodbye.

Yesterday the fighting became too much. I reached my breaking point. I just wanted to be with her and be happy. No fighting. No shouting. No tears. No sharp tongued sentences. None of that. I just wanted to hold her and know that everything is ok. That I'm not a horrid person. That I'm loved. That I wasn't wrong in opening up myself to her. Showing what no one has seen.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret all the things I shared...but...it hurts. Telling those things and having this web of masks I built around myself come tumbling down. My last one was ready to break, to come off, to leave me as the trusting woman I once was. I was so close. And slowly I started putting my masks back on.

When my last mask was slipped on, my fears came rushing back to me. And in a very stupid move I told her I wasn't going to be talking to her anymore. Even as I write this I see the stupidity in my actions. My selfishness in the steps I took. I didn't, and haven't, considered her feelings at all until this...very moment...

I need to apologize...
I need to show her that the ass she's been seeing isn't who I am.
I need to ask her to forgive me.
I need to...

I hope this works. For once, I'm following my heart. Fuck my mind right now. I need this.