I Think We Have An Emergency

Slowly and steadily, I'm learning who I am.

In life, I have spent time building this wall around myself. After certain things happened, I'd put another brick in place. I would make myself my own sanctuary. To protect my heart, my beliefs...me. I was important.

But this summer, I needed to know. I couldn't go on feeling like shit and just dealing with it. Certainly, I have a feeling it was depression and I know what caused the first few bricks to fall into place, but I couldn't walk around feeling sorry for myself anymore. I needed to get over it and get over it quickly.

This time, I needed to save myself for a different reason. I needed to save myself so I could be happy.

And in a few months, I have successfully ripped down my walls. And I'm happy with that. Happier than I have ever felt as far back as I can remember.

Music has been my savior through all of this. What I will do without it in basic, I have no idea. Slow, sad songs when I knew I needed to cry. Let it all out. Fast, upbeat songs when I needed to chipper up. Really fast songs with a hard beat when I worked out until I cried from frustration (so many asses I want to kick).

On a happier note!

I got all of my things for basic yesterday. I was feeling really shitty and almost passed out at one point, but now I feel great again. Which is always a good thing. I'm not one for being sick at all, since it's rare that it happens. But when I do feel horrid, it's usually really bad.

This one consisted of a sore throat, agonizing migraine, chest pains, and tingly limbs. I would suddenly be hot or cold and felt drained constantly. I was not pleased. It only lasted three or four days, though. Thank God.

Tomorrow I will have exactly a week left. Some of you will receive an e-mail from me that day saying, well, whatever it is I feel I need to say to you. And then I ship off. Away to a new life. A fake life. At least, for awhile.

And in the madness that is the Air Force, I want to stick to my plan. Get my BSc and get the fuck out. I planned on making a career out of it, but...this summer has jolted life back into me. This will give me time away from my family to continue on the path of finding out more about myself. Living life. Trying things.

Being happy.

What happens from here on out is up to me. I can whine and moan and make it the worst experience of my life. Or I can grab life by the balls, stare it in the eye, and take charge.

You Got Caught!

9:00 PM

House is silent. My dad is asleep, I'm upstairs listening to music and talking to Ana, my mom is having a cigarette.

Phone rings.
It's Auntie Oppie.
Whispers. Secrets. My mother comes out of her room looking pissed.
I abandon ship and head back upstairs.

9:30 PM

Talking on the phone to Nook.
Phone downstairs rings.
It's Auntie Oopie.
There's shouting.
My mother looks more pissed.
I go back upstairs.

11:00 PM

Chatting away.
Phone rings again.
It's Auntie Oopie. Again.
More shouting.
My dad leaves. Slamming doors. More shouting.
Car pulls out of the driveway.

Silence.

12:00 AM

Everyone is back in the house.
Dad falls asleep.
House goes silent.

7:00 AM

I'm asleep.
Phone rings.
Phone rings again.
Phone rings a third time.
I run downstairs to pick it up.

Me: Hello?
Auntie Oopie: Moe?!
Me: No, Shelly.
AO: Ooooh! Where's your mother?
Me: Probably outside. You want to talk to her?
AO: Tell her Michael's court appearance is at 9, ok?
Silence. Trying not to laugh.
Me: What?
AO: Michael got arrested last night.
Me: ...heh...what?
AO: Just tell her it's at 9.

I hang up.
I tell her.

9:00 AM

Wait for the phone call.
Never comes.

Nearly 12:00 PM

Michael still isn't home.

Now, since no one knows who Michael is, a little history~
When we would come home, there was always this one guy who was obviously not family. Here is my mother's side. All black. All racist. And there's this white guy coming over to eat at my grandparent's house. My grandparents owned a few houses in the neighborhood and one day they let this guy move into one of them. We helped him move in (I had to be like...12) and we talked to him a bit. He definitely wasn't normal (I later came to the conclusion of: does normal even exist? And my answer was no).

Anyway! We called him Billy, and we were content and then we moved to England. (We only really visited Buffalo when I was little.) Lived in England for years without coming back to visit.

Moved to Buffalo in 2002. Billy was still here, talking to us and showing up at random family events.

One day, my grandfather called him Billy and there was a look on his face.

"That's not my name," he said sternly.

My grandfather, who is an abusive, insane, fucking scary ass asshole says, "What you say, mother fucker?!" (No...he really did say that.)

"That's not my name," he said again.

"Then what the fuck is your name?!"

"Michael."

Everyone was quiet.

"Then why the fuck did you have us calling you Billy all this time for?! What the fuck?!"

So then there was Michael. But he still seemed a bit off so I asked my dad what was up with Michael. Here is his story:

Michael lived a fairly normal life in, if I remember correctly, Amherst. Amherst is quite a ways away from here. Anyway, when he was at the ripe age of 25, Michael was driving a car and had a head on collision into a truck. He was placed into a hospital where his parents were told he had a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and wouldn't be able to live without the assistance of another human being. So what did his parents do?

They got together, put him in a car, and dumped him into our neighborhood, then drove away and never looked back. People here started to know who he was and soon Michael was welcome in the neighborhood without any hassle.

When my Auntie Oopie got older she took it upon herself to take care of him. Find him shelter, give him money, and make sure he got the care he needed.

Ok, enough of that. Michael's downfall is his sexual interest in crack heads. He gives them money for drugs in return he expects sex. Simple enough. The issue came when he started physically buying the drugs for the crackies. That's a no no.

Got caught last year, slap on the hand and a "Don't do it again" from the judge.

Got caught last night, spend some time in jail.

It's funny because no one gives him any credit. They act like he can't think for himself. When I watched Michael get $20 and heard him say "Now I can see my girlfriend four times!" I knew he was smarter than letting on.

Oh, Michael. You never cease to amaze me. Enjoy your stay in jail and maybe you'll stop buying Betty crack.

Love On The Rocks

If I ever needed the perfect song for this situation, certainly Sara Bareilles' Love On The Rocks is that song. Damn this.

Ok! Happy entry.

Hmmm...this is bad. I can't think of anything.

Oh! Yes! Little less than 2 weeks left. Those who want to hear from me right before I go, give me your e-mail addresses and I'll e-mail you from the hotel before I ship out. And then I'm gone.

Also, yesterday was my birthday. What did my birthday consist of?

My mother asking me when I'm getting married, family drama with my brother, arguing with my ex, my dog chasing huge deer, and a very odd nest in the tree of my brother's house (seriously, we have no idea what it is).

I got to eat a lot, though. And cake. I also got to cut my hair which made me very happy. And money, which was what I wanted anyway.

What else? Lots of phone calls. Some from people I haven't talked to in forever (how the fuck did Angel get my number?!). In the end, this was probably the worst birthday I've ever had. Although, most of my birthdays have been spent in a bed with whoever I'm dating at the time which I guess is kind of a bad habit. I'm not a fan of celebrating my birthday, anyway. I try to treat it like any other day (aside from...the bed thing) and my family wants to make a big deal out of it.

Like what the fuck? Why is Auntie Oopie calling me to tell me to stay positive when she's married to some fake ass mother fucker.

Ok, enough venting. This is supposed to be a happy entry.

Nook called, which raised my spirits. She sang to me. Some random song that was not birthday like at all but made me laugh anyway. She's so sweet sometimes.

Who else called? Mayah (since she's back at school), Ashley, Tigh, errrmmmm...and some other people I can't remember right now.

I have nothing else to say except...

It took me three hours to type this entry because of drama stirring up and my mom wanted to talk about it. Intervention time, perhaps?

Noel

This year has /not/ been easy for me. From running into Nicole on my first day of classes in January to the car accident in February, quickly followed by the downfall of Bart and peaking interest in Nicole. Then when classes started up I had to tell her about going into the military, she practically begged me not to. Not because...whatever it was that was happening between us, but because she feared in the confusion of military life I'd lose who I was. The semester wrapped up, we went our separate ways (even though I still have her book and get occasional texts from her).

In May I joined the Air Force and happily started up my last class for my Associates. May and June were alright. Occasionally hearing from both Bart and Nicole and I had started flirting with Alicia around this time. July I finished up my class. Associate's received. Maria became more active in my life, which was nice. But it didn't last long, as always. But before she left quietly, she made sure a lot of my dirty laundry was out. She told Alicia almost all of the things I wanted to keep hidden. She had learned these things by going through my stuff. Not pleased.

Defense mechanisms go up. August comes. Get things in order for basic, keep my heart guarded. Hear from Nicole in the beginning of the month. Things begin to spiral out of my control and I almost lose it trying to figure out how to fix everything. Where do I begin?! I've been lying to myself and others for so long, I'm just not ready to face the truth!

Noel gets the brunt of my...shitty attitude. And yet she stays calm. This woman who has loved me silently for two years. Watched me go through shitty relationship after shitty relationship after shitty relationship. And yet and still, she stayed by my side occasionally adding her two cents but pretty much staying out of it.

But after years of not showing myself to her fully, I dumped onto her fully yesterday. Almost everything. At least, what little of everything I could before she had to go to work. She didn't judge, just listened and occasionally commented.

She said something, sadly I didn't scribble it down when I had the chance, but it made sense to me. I'm not even going to try and repeat all of what she said. But basically she said that when her life seems horrible she doesn't get down. Because she knows that she is young enough to fix it. So even if I'm not happy with my life right now, how I feel about myself, how I react to things, how I treat others, I still have so much time to fix myself and my situation.

I should stop trying to take the easy, selfish way out and face this.

Face everything.

No more running.

August 20

A,

I thought I would never have to write this letter. Prayed this day would never come. And here I am, tears streaming down my face, my eyes red from crying, and my fingers numb as I struggle to breathe. How do I even begin?

It wasn't long, the time we spent together. But as fleeting as it was, it meant the world to me. The things you taught me....the things you brought out of me...

You showed me it was alright to trust again. Not everyone is there to hurt me, use me, abuse me. I told you the things I had never told anyone, and you locked them up like it was the most delicate of diamonds. Loved me uncontrollably and stayed with me no matter what.

Towards the end, things were rough but you pushed through it with me. You never stopped standing by my side even as the waters became very uneasy.

We both tested each other. Pressing to see how far we could go. As we shoved against the other's boundaries, we learned more about each other. The more we learned, the more we cared for one another.

I dropped my masks for you. Crushing them under my feet so that I wouldn't have to worry about them ever again. You made me work harder to become the best person I could be. And when I reached up to remove my last mask, I hesitated. In that single action, I lost you.

And when I lost you, my world fell apart.

The pieces are so scattered I worry I may never get them back again. Cutting myself as I try to pick them up, only to drop them again. I need your help to put myself back together.

I wish I could hold you again. Talk to you again. Apologize.

I wish I could wake up to you and this was all a dream.

Oh, how I wish...

Very lonely and very hurt,
Shelly

Awakening the Monster

"Comfort. Pleasure. Sex. If making you happy means being nothing more than that, can I do it?"

Only once. That is all it took to wake it up. That dormant me that waited for a few years to show it's ugly face. A few weeks I'd been battling with it. Winning. Not letting it over take my mind. And in one single act of stupidity, I let it out.

Again, it's a part of me.

Shattered Porcelain

We were hoping for some romance,
All we found was more despair.
We must talk about our problems,
We are in a state of flux.

That's it. In a feeling similar to crashing waves, we ended. And the lights dimmed. My happiness faltered like a flickering light in the darkness of night. I closed my eyes. Tried to push through it. Told myself it was ok. But it's not. So I wrote a decently sized e-mail. I wanted to write it all, tell her everything. Dump my heart out to her, but I couldn't. Not through some bullshit e-mail. So, instead, I told her goodbye.

Yesterday the fighting became too much. I reached my breaking point. I just wanted to be with her and be happy. No fighting. No shouting. No tears. No sharp tongued sentences. None of that. I just wanted to hold her and know that everything is ok. That I'm not a horrid person. That I'm loved. That I wasn't wrong in opening up myself to her. Showing what no one has seen.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret all the things I shared...but...it hurts. Telling those things and having this web of masks I built around myself come tumbling down. My last one was ready to break, to come off, to leave me as the trusting woman I once was. I was so close. And slowly I started putting my masks back on.

When my last mask was slipped on, my fears came rushing back to me. And in a very stupid move I told her I wasn't going to be talking to her anymore. Even as I write this I see the stupidity in my actions. My selfishness in the steps I took. I didn't, and haven't, considered her feelings at all until this...very moment...

I need to apologize...
I need to show her that the ass she's been seeing isn't who I am.
I need to ask her to forgive me.
I need to...

I hope this works. For once, I'm following my heart. Fuck my mind right now. I need this.

I'll Love You In The Morning, When You're Still Hung Over

I have spent today listening to music. New CDs have been collected. Also, today was the first time I actually listened to Pink Floyd, and I was not let down.

So! I didn't get to go take care of anything with the recruiter today because he is sick. Sad times. He said he will call me tomorrow and maybe we can go then. Which worked out for me because I am sooo tired. So I slept, ate, read, and listened to music. Good day, to me. Very relaxing.

I'm still tired, though. Which is annoying. I would love to feel rested. But at least I have my appetite back. I will sort my music and eat again. Maybe play some video games.

I will do some sort of goodbye letter on here in a few days. I'm too lazy to do it today.

Friday we go to Erie, which will be lots of fun. Anytime I get out of Buffalo is fun. We probably need to go to Cleveland, and I have a feeling my family plans to, I just don't know when.

Anything else of importance? My going away party is the 16th. What do I plan to do? Hang out with my family and eat lots. Then I think we're going out after that. Should be funfunfun~

And my birthday will be here soon. Exciting. Don't think I'm gonna do anything too special for that either. Probably cook some shrimp on the grill and have a couple of drinks. Talk. Laugh. Try to enjoy my family before I go.

That is all~

Saying Goodbye

I'm not ready yet.
Not ready to leave.
But I know I have to.
And it's killing me.

We're not gonna break up before I go. No. We've both invested too much to just give up. And I'll be damned if I just leave for basic and we never talk again. I'm coming back to her. I don't care.

Also! We had a hell of a storm today. It got so cold we would see our breath. Pouring rain and deafening thunder. But beautiful.

Randomness

Rain, rain, and more fucking rain. Field across the street. More clouds, but during the storm.

I Touched...Me...

The title sounds awkward, but it's so true.

Last night I got no sleep whatsoever. I talked to my usual array of friendlies, and nothing seemed out of the ordinary at all. I mean, some people were sad about the whole me going in a week thing, but what can I say? It's happening.

Anyway, I was lying down, attempting to go to sleep, but I couldn't. The entire house was quiet and peaceful. No one shouting my name or messing with me or anything. Silence. And so I did some digging into myself.

I cleared my mind and dug deep, deep, deep down into myself. And found me. Before everything. Before the fear, the bad memories, the obsessions, and the fucked upness. And yes, I made that up. There in the deep recesses of my mind, was I. The perfect me. The scary me. The unharmed me. Willing to trust and love and be committed to people with no boundaries and no restrictions, including family (but with boundaries, you know...).

And for a split second, I let myself be that person who I used to be. And then I let her go again. I'm not ready for that, yet. But it was nice to understand that I was like that at one point and that I could possibly reach that point again. I'm hoping.

Her

I am happy.

No drama, no raised voices, no arguments, no tempers...nothing can bring me down. Not today. I went to sleep with a smile on my face, and woke up in the same state. I actually got in touch with my recruiter today and everything is getting finished up on Monday (in terms of my college credits and my loans). I'm happy about that.

There is one week left, though. Which is sad. And it's going by crazy fast. Soon I will be running, jumping, doing sit-ups and push-ups, and getting screamed at. Being told I'm nothing but a worthless piece of shit and maybe I made a mistake because I'm obviously not strong enough. And I'm going to love every fucking second of it.

Sure I'm gonna be utterly miserable in the moment, but afterwards I will come out a soldier. And a damn fine one at that. So I am very excited. I bet those 7 weeks are gonna fly by.

Most people still don't know I'm leaving so soon. And I could care less. Night before I go I will say "See you guys in 6 months!" and log off. I have to delete my Myspace befor I go too.

Only big worry I have right now is bills. I know my dad is gonna turn off my phone for me (thank you, daddy~) but maybe I will tell him not to. Maybe we can just turn off the other line and put enough money into my account to pay my one month that I will be MIA. Then I can keep my number...

I'll find out. I also need enough money in my account to pay my credit card while I'm away. It's like $25, but I always pay over. After basic, I'll just pay that shit off.

What else? Syracuse trip is probably gonna be canceled...and....I think that's it!

Oh, blessed day! What happiness is this?

A Sign?

My dream this morning was indeed this cracked out!

I woke up with a start, my iPod on. I look around and I'm in a library. The people there are waiting to go to some Japanese convention. I see some people I know. Like omo and Mr Boston from that stupid show "I Love Money." So, I get up and walk down a little hallway. Bathroom, occupied. Bedrooms, occupied. So I turn around to leave and some guy is in front of me asking if I remember him. I say a name and he goes, "Heyhey! You do!" Then leaves.

Now Mr. Boston comes over and asks if I remember him. I say no and he gets sad. Then I say, "Of course I remember you, Mr. Boston!" and we hug. Nonono, it gets stranger. So the puerto rican chick from Grey's Anatomy, Callie, comes over and says I need to see something. It's very important. First thing I notice is that her iPod says "Shelly &" but I can't see the rest. Ok....

So we walk out of the hallway, straight through the library, through some doors onto a basketball court, past some DJs, through a window, through a call center, and finally stop in a room for that...yoga ball...stuff. Anyway! Callie points to some chick wearing a hoodie and says I have got to see this. And she turns around. And...it's Alicia, but it doesn't look like Alicia. She actually kind of looks like my mother.

Callie says, "What is she doing here?"

And Alicia stands up, "You're not mad at me, are you? You wanted me here, right?"

And she had said she was some guys sister to get there, but the guy popped out of no where and said "That's not true." Everyone laughs and that's when in my head I realize what's going on. Alicia had recorded all of our phone conversations and posted them on iTunes now everyone was listening to what we had said to each other.

So she starts walking away from me, saying that she's mad or whatever and she never wants to see me again. So we go out onto the basketball courts and she says "Let me show you want you want to see!" And takes her top off. But I look down and walk away saying that I didn't want to see that right now. We fight into the library and out the doors. People are standing there listening to us on their fucking iPods!

I turn to her and say, "I'm not going anywhere." Give her my iPod and then say, "I will see you tomorrow." She cries, we hug, she runs off. Then everyone claps. EVERYONE. And they cheer. Some people are crying. So I go back into the library and everyone's standing there clapping, saying it should be a show. Then they all, even the people outside, lift their iPods and delete our feed.

I go into the backyard where music is playing and people are drinking. I dance towards my sister and ask her how her laptop is (why? I do not know) then I go over to my granddad and get some Cisco. Everybody cheers again, the DJs walk in, and the party really starts.

Then I wake up.


Why I dreamt this...I will never know.

I Fought The War...

I fought the war but the war won!

This is almost laughable.
Almost delicious enough...
Almost cruel enough...
Almost hilarious enough...
To be pleasure.

I trusted. I put my all into someone. I gave into it. Told myself I can't go around not trusting people, I will be alone for the rest of my life. And I get fucked. I get screwed over.

I was done doubting, fearing, and fighting with myself over this. And here I am again. Stabbed in the back.

This isn't happening. And yet...

I am able to stay happy. I refuse to go back to that pathetic piece of shit I was only weeks ago.

Keep a smile, Shelly. Press on, Shelly. Go forward, Shelly.
It's quite alright if you don't look back.

Flashlights and Explosions

The day is quickly approaching!

That day where I tell everyone "See you in couple of months~"

Since it's easier for me to just put this somewhere and let the masses read it and do whatever they want with the information, I figured here was best. I figure most people don't care about my little stint away, which is understandable, but for the handful that do, well, here you go.

I will be unreachable through the internet in any form starting the 14th and I will be back in December/January depending on my Tech School. Could be longer if my Tech School is shorter, in that case I will be getting my shit together in my new home where ever the fuck that may be.

August 14 isn't that far away. In fact, it's right around the corner. Two weeks and that's it. Two weeks and then I'm gone for almost half a year. My few calls in basic will be to my parents, obviously. So don't expect to hear from me.

What else...those people I think I'm gonna stay in contact with I will keep your numbers and call you when I'm in Tech, probably.

I don't know what else to stay. Hmmm...it actually kind of starts next week since my dad's family reunion is that Saturday.

Anyway!

I need to get some shit done. Like call my credit card company and see if I can stop my payments while I'm gone. Other than that, I think I'm just waiting to go. Getting nervous now, although my excitement hasn't gone down at all.

Random picture time~~

This is what I spent my last family reunion doing. And I was bored here. I thought this was beautiful and these adorable. And he seemed confused.

Old but~ Peace Bridge, Apartment Building, City Hall 1 & 2.

I'm gonna miss you Buffalo and HSBC Arena.