(09:45:49 PM) Shelly: meri~
(09:45:56 PM) Meristele: heya~~~
(09:46:02 PM) Shelly: How are you?
(09:46:15 PM) Meristele: well! and you? :)
(09:46:20 PM) Shelly: I'm...alright...
(09:46:44 PM) Meristele: you sounds uncertain...
(09:46:52 PM) Meristele: /tilts her head.
(09:46:58 PM) Meristele: are you /sure/?
(09:47:06 PM) Shelly: I'm just on edge.
(09:47:09 PM) Shelly: Nervous.
(09:47:18 PM) Shelly: Hands are a little shaky.
(09:47:31 PM) Meristele: what is making you so?
(09:47:50 PM) Shelly: [edit out]
(09:48:49 PM) Meristele: wow.
(09:49:00 PM) Meristele: is she good for you?
(09:49:14 PM) Shelly: Yes. I just think the timing is wrong.
(09:49:24 PM) Meristele: ah?
(09:49:40 PM) Shelly: I'm dealing with a lot right now in terms of transitioning.
(09:49:58 PM) Shelly: I need to move, get situated, start school, and get comfortable again.
(09:50:06 PM) Shelly: Right now I'm so on edge it's annoying.
(09:50:12 PM) Meristele: /thinks.
(09:50:27 PM) Meristele: it sounds like a good time for it, actually.
(09:50:32 PM) Shelly: How so?
(09:51:53 PM) Meristele: because it can be a huge support to have someone thrown in with you in craziness. You can find ways to work together that make both of you more than you can be apart. And the memories from such times can be very strong.
(09:52:58 PM) Meristele: just because you're used to being the lead in a relationship, or the strong one, doesn't mean that she can't do the same for you sometimes.
(09:53:16 PM) Meristele: /ponders.
(09:53:58 PM) Meristele: I suppose that it comes down to whether she's high maintenance and will suck energy, or if you get reenergized when you're with her.
(09:54:45 PM) Shelly: Definitely reenergized...I've known her for years and she's always been there for me. Through everything.
(09:54:58 PM) Meristele: \o/
(09:55:40 PM) Meristele: look, it sounds like you're leaving your parents house, which for whatever reason makes you anxious and self hurting when you live there
(09:56:05 PM) Meristele: and you have the chance to start in a new home with someone who makes you feel great
(09:56:18 PM) Meristele: /smiles lopsidedly.
(09:56:46 PM) Meristele: you sound rather like me; afraid that because it's you, it'll be messed up somehow....
(09:56:57 PM) Shelly: Yes...I always mess it up.
(09:57:14 PM) Meristele: ah, but you've grown a lot in the last six months.
(09:57:30 PM) Meristele: the change in you when you got back from boot was amazing.
(09:57:47 PM) Meristele: and then you started to regress once your mom started digging in again
(09:57:52 PM) Shelly: You noticed a change?
(09:57:55 PM) Meristele: oh yes.
(09:58:13 PM) Meristele: in both phases.
(09:58:28 PM) Meristele: I think that moving out will be a very, very good thing for you.
(09:58:42 PM) Shelly: Both phases?
(09:59:10 PM) Meristele: and even if you have a hard time trusting yourself, /I/ trust you, and she trusts you. Take our word for it this time. ;)
(09:59:43 PM) Meristele: yes. both phases. right when you got back, you freaking GLOWED, you were so gorgeous.
(10:00:08 PM) Meristele: and you had the courage to be honest with yourself, your friends, and your family.
(10:00:29 PM) Meristele: then your mom freaked, and you slowly grew dim and uncertain again.
(10:01:15 PM) Meristele: /thinks that if she lived close enough, she would have had Jun move in with her IMMEDIATELY before any more damage had been done.
(10:01:48 PM) Shelly: Wow...
(10:01:58 PM) Meristele: /becomes self concious.
(10:02:02 PM) Meristele: erm...
(10:02:07 PM) Meristele: ^_^;;
(10:02:10 PM) Shelly: Heh...
(10:02:23 PM) Shelly: Well, my trip to Syracuse fueled me on.
(10:02:40 PM) Shelly: I'm absolutely sure I want to do this.
(10:02:44 PM) Meristele: /nods.
(10:03:02 PM) Shelly: So, I'm gonna talk to my father and head back there.
(10:03:11 PM) Meristele: \o/
(10:03:39 PM) Shelly: Get myself situated and then start hormones, probably.
(10:03:51 PM) Meristele: I'm glad <3
(10:04:29 PM) Shelly: I think you're the only one who noticed a change.
(10:04:38 PM) Shelly: Everyone else was like, "lol what change?"
(10:04:42 PM) Meristele: ...
(10:05:02 PM) Meristele: /thinks that people must see differently where Jun lives.
(10:05:18 PM) Meristele: it was about as subtle as an elephant in the living room.
(10:05:35 PM) Shelly: Hahahaha!
(10:05:40 PM) Meristele: /grins.
(10:05:57 PM) Meristele: honestly, even all the words you used of yourself changed. <3
(10:06:14 PM) Shelly: What do you mean?
(10:06:36 PM) Meristele: ...
(10:06:43 PM) Meristele: hm. how to explain...
(10:06:50 PM) Meristele: /scratches her head.
(10:06:59 PM) Meristele: you were a doing person.
(10:07:16 PM) Meristele: you used action words and positive statements about yourself.
(10:07:33 PM) Meristele: you said assertive things, instead of waffling.
(10:07:36 PM) Shelly: When I came back?
(10:07:38 PM) Meristele: yes.
(10:07:52 PM) Shelly: Hmmm...I didn't even notice that.
(10:08:02 PM) Meristele: heh
(10:08:19 PM) Meristele: you felt good about yourself, and it /showed/.
(10:08:33 PM) Meristele: in your body language, in your speech.
(10:08:37 PM) Shelly: That dwindled, I know.
(10:08:41 PM) Meristele: oh yes.
(10:09:08 PM) Meristele: I really have strong opinions on the healthiness of you living in the same residence as your mom right now.
(10:09:21 PM) Shelly: Seriously?
(10:10:08 PM) Meristele: yes. ^_^;; Enough to say that ^ when usually I will not say /anything/ of the sort about people I don't know.
(10:11:16 PM) Shelly: Damn, meri...I didn't know you paid attention like /THAT/.
(10:11:23 PM) Meristele: ...
(10:11:33 PM) Meristele: like wut? I'm always like this?
(10:12:09 PM) Shelly: I mean, you just know all these little things I didn't even notice.
(10:12:39 PM) Meristele: ah. It gets me in trouble sometimes, so I don't always let it peep out. :/
(10:13:26 PM) Meristele: I guess I just like to see my friends being themselves. ;>
(10:13:42 PM) Shelly: Yes.
(10:14:26 PM) Meristele: /looks a little cautious.
(10:15:07 PM) Meristele: did I scare you or freak you out? Sometimes people feel that way too. As if I'd judge them or something, or that they feel exposed. :/
(10:15:19 PM) Shelly: Not at all.
(10:15:24 PM) Meristele: /whew
(10:15:26 PM) Shelly: I just want that piece of me back.
(10:15:31 PM) Meristele: /nods
(10:16:23 PM) Meristele: I think you need to live far enough from your mom to reach back for that feeling, and let it seat deeply in yourself.
(10:16:57 PM) Meristele: because you really are wonderful, and it makes me want to hurt someone to see you wounded.
(10:17:03 PM) Shelly: Syracuse is a few hours away, and she's made it clear she wont come see me if I start transitioning anyway.
(10:17:11 PM) Meristele: /nods.
(10:18:01 PM) Meristele: you can find a different balance with her at a another time. Right now you need this time and space~
(10:18:07 PM) Shelly: I agree.
(10:18:36 PM) Meristele: And if your friend wishes to be with you through this and she reenergizes you, I think it's great~
(10:19:15 PM) Shelly: You know...I think I'm gonna put this in my blog...
(10:19:24 PM) Meristele: hm?
(10:19:46 PM) Shelly: This conversation.
(10:20:07 PM) Meristele: ah~ It's your conversation. I give it to you. ;)
(10:20:24 PM) Shelly: Hahahaha! Thank you.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, August 31, 2008
I Think We Have An Emergency
Slowly and steadily, I'm learning who I am.
In life, I have spent time building this wall around myself. After certain things happened, I'd put another brick in place. I would make myself my own sanctuary. To protect my heart, my beliefs...me. I was important.
But this summer, I needed to know. I couldn't go on feeling like shit and just dealing with it. Certainly, I have a feeling it was depression and I know what caused the first few bricks to fall into place, but I couldn't walk around feeling sorry for myself anymore. I needed to get over it and get over it quickly.
This time, I needed to save myself for a different reason. I needed to save myself so I could be happy.
And in a few months, I have successfully ripped down my walls. And I'm happy with that. Happier than I have ever felt as far back as I can remember.
Music has been my savior through all of this. What I will do without it in basic, I have no idea. Slow, sad songs when I knew I needed to cry. Let it all out. Fast, upbeat songs when I needed to chipper up. Really fast songs with a hard beat when I worked out until I cried from frustration (so many asses I want to kick).
On a happier note!
I got all of my things for basic yesterday. I was feeling really shitty and almost passed out at one point, but now I feel great again. Which is always a good thing. I'm not one for being sick at all, since it's rare that it happens. But when I do feel horrid, it's usually really bad.
This one consisted of a sore throat, agonizing migraine, chest pains, and tingly limbs. I would suddenly be hot or cold and felt drained constantly. I was not pleased. It only lasted three or four days, though. Thank God.
Tomorrow I will have exactly a week left. Some of you will receive an e-mail from me that day saying, well, whatever it is I feel I need to say to you. And then I ship off. Away to a new life. A fake life. At least, for awhile.
And in the madness that is the Air Force, I want to stick to my plan. Get my BSc and get the fuck out. I planned on making a career out of it, but...this summer has jolted life back into me. This will give me time away from my family to continue on the path of finding out more about myself. Living life. Trying things.
Being happy.
What happens from here on out is up to me. I can whine and moan and make it the worst experience of my life. Or I can grab life by the balls, stare it in the eye, and take charge.
In life, I have spent time building this wall around myself. After certain things happened, I'd put another brick in place. I would make myself my own sanctuary. To protect my heart, my beliefs...me. I was important.
But this summer, I needed to know. I couldn't go on feeling like shit and just dealing with it. Certainly, I have a feeling it was depression and I know what caused the first few bricks to fall into place, but I couldn't walk around feeling sorry for myself anymore. I needed to get over it and get over it quickly.
This time, I needed to save myself for a different reason. I needed to save myself so I could be happy.
And in a few months, I have successfully ripped down my walls. And I'm happy with that. Happier than I have ever felt as far back as I can remember.
Music has been my savior through all of this. What I will do without it in basic, I have no idea. Slow, sad songs when I knew I needed to cry. Let it all out. Fast, upbeat songs when I needed to chipper up. Really fast songs with a hard beat when I worked out until I cried from frustration (so many asses I want to kick).
On a happier note!
I got all of my things for basic yesterday. I was feeling really shitty and almost passed out at one point, but now I feel great again. Which is always a good thing. I'm not one for being sick at all, since it's rare that it happens. But when I do feel horrid, it's usually really bad.
This one consisted of a sore throat, agonizing migraine, chest pains, and tingly limbs. I would suddenly be hot or cold and felt drained constantly. I was not pleased. It only lasted three or four days, though. Thank God.
Tomorrow I will have exactly a week left. Some of you will receive an e-mail from me that day saying, well, whatever it is I feel I need to say to you. And then I ship off. Away to a new life. A fake life. At least, for awhile.
And in the madness that is the Air Force, I want to stick to my plan. Get my BSc and get the fuck out. I planned on making a career out of it, but...this summer has jolted life back into me. This will give me time away from my family to continue on the path of finding out more about myself. Living life. Trying things.
Being happy.
What happens from here on out is up to me. I can whine and moan and make it the worst experience of my life. Or I can grab life by the balls, stare it in the eye, and take charge.
Thursday, August 28, 2008
You Got Caught!
9:00 PM
House is silent. My dad is asleep, I'm upstairs listening to music and talking to Ana, my mom is having a cigarette.
Phone rings.
It's Auntie Oppie.
Whispers. Secrets. My mother comes out of her room looking pissed.
I abandon ship and head back upstairs.
9:30 PM
Talking on the phone to Nook.
Phone downstairs rings.
It's Auntie Oopie.
There's shouting.
My mother looks more pissed.
I go back upstairs.
11:00 PM
Chatting away.
Phone rings again.
It's Auntie Oopie. Again.
More shouting.
My dad leaves. Slamming doors. More shouting.
Car pulls out of the driveway.
Silence.
12:00 AM
Everyone is back in the house.
Dad falls asleep.
House goes silent.
7:00 AM
I'm asleep.
Phone rings.
Phone rings again.
Phone rings a third time.
I run downstairs to pick it up.
Me: Hello?
Auntie Oopie: Moe?!
Me: No, Shelly.
AO: Ooooh! Where's your mother?
Me: Probably outside. You want to talk to her?
AO: Tell her Michael's court appearance is at 9, ok?
Silence. Trying not to laugh.
Me: What?
AO: Michael got arrested last night.
Me: ...heh...what?
AO: Just tell her it's at 9.
I hang up.
I tell her.
9:00 AM
Wait for the phone call.
Never comes.
Nearly 12:00 PM
Michael still isn't home.
Now, since no one knows who Michael is, a little history~
When we would come home, there was always this one guy who was obviously not family. Here is my mother's side. All black. All racist. And there's this white guy coming over to eat at my grandparent's house. My grandparents owned a few houses in the neighborhood and one day they let this guy move into one of them. We helped him move in (I had to be like...12) and we talked to him a bit. He definitely wasn't normal (I later came to the conclusion of: does normal even exist? And my answer was no).
Anyway! We called him Billy, and we were content and then we moved to England. (We only really visited Buffalo when I was little.) Lived in England for years without coming back to visit.
Moved to Buffalo in 2002. Billy was still here, talking to us and showing up at random family events.
One day, my grandfather called him Billy and there was a look on his face.
"That's not my name," he said sternly.
My grandfather, who is an abusive, insane, fucking scary ass asshole says, "What you say, mother fucker?!" (No...he really did say that.)
"That's not my name," he said again.
"Then what the fuck is your name?!"
"Michael."
Everyone was quiet.
"Then why the fuck did you have us calling you Billy all this time for?! What the fuck?!"
So then there was Michael. But he still seemed a bit off so I asked my dad what was up with Michael. Here is his story:
Michael lived a fairly normal life in, if I remember correctly, Amherst. Amherst is quite a ways away from here. Anyway, when he was at the ripe age of 25, Michael was driving a car and had a head on collision into a truck. He was placed into a hospital where his parents were told he had a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and wouldn't be able to live without the assistance of another human being. So what did his parents do?
They got together, put him in a car, and dumped him into our neighborhood, then drove away and never looked back. People here started to know who he was and soon Michael was welcome in the neighborhood without any hassle.
When my Auntie Oopie got older she took it upon herself to take care of him. Find him shelter, give him money, and make sure he got the care he needed.
Ok, enough of that. Michael's downfall is his sexual interest in crack heads. He gives them money for drugs in return he expects sex. Simple enough. The issue came when he started physically buying the drugs for the crackies. That's a no no.
Got caught last year, slap on the hand and a "Don't do it again" from the judge.
Got caught last night, spend some time in jail.
It's funny because no one gives him any credit. They act like he can't think for himself. When I watched Michael get $20 and heard him say "Now I can see my girlfriend four times!" I knew he was smarter than letting on.
Oh, Michael. You never cease to amaze me. Enjoy your stay in jail and maybe you'll stop buying Betty crack.
House is silent. My dad is asleep, I'm upstairs listening to music and talking to Ana, my mom is having a cigarette.
Phone rings.
It's Auntie Oppie.
Whispers. Secrets. My mother comes out of her room looking pissed.
I abandon ship and head back upstairs.
9:30 PM
Talking on the phone to Nook.
Phone downstairs rings.
It's Auntie Oopie.
There's shouting.
My mother looks more pissed.
I go back upstairs.
11:00 PM
Chatting away.
Phone rings again.
It's Auntie Oopie. Again.
More shouting.
My dad leaves. Slamming doors. More shouting.
Car pulls out of the driveway.
Silence.
12:00 AM
Everyone is back in the house.
Dad falls asleep.
House goes silent.
7:00 AM
I'm asleep.
Phone rings.
Phone rings again.
Phone rings a third time.
I run downstairs to pick it up.
Me: Hello?
Auntie Oopie: Moe?!
Me: No, Shelly.
AO: Ooooh! Where's your mother?
Me: Probably outside. You want to talk to her?
AO: Tell her Michael's court appearance is at 9, ok?
Silence. Trying not to laugh.
Me: What?
AO: Michael got arrested last night.
Me: ...heh...what?
AO: Just tell her it's at 9.
I hang up.
I tell her.
9:00 AM
Wait for the phone call.
Never comes.
Nearly 12:00 PM
Michael still isn't home.
Now, since no one knows who Michael is, a little history~
When we would come home, there was always this one guy who was obviously not family. Here is my mother's side. All black. All racist. And there's this white guy coming over to eat at my grandparent's house. My grandparents owned a few houses in the neighborhood and one day they let this guy move into one of them. We helped him move in (I had to be like...12) and we talked to him a bit. He definitely wasn't normal (I later came to the conclusion of: does normal even exist? And my answer was no).
Anyway! We called him Billy, and we were content and then we moved to England. (We only really visited Buffalo when I was little.) Lived in England for years without coming back to visit.
Moved to Buffalo in 2002. Billy was still here, talking to us and showing up at random family events.
One day, my grandfather called him Billy and there was a look on his face.
"That's not my name," he said sternly.
My grandfather, who is an abusive, insane, fucking scary ass asshole says, "What you say, mother fucker?!" (No...he really did say that.)
"That's not my name," he said again.
"Then what the fuck is your name?!"
"Michael."
Everyone was quiet.
"Then why the fuck did you have us calling you Billy all this time for?! What the fuck?!"
So then there was Michael. But he still seemed a bit off so I asked my dad what was up with Michael. Here is his story:
Michael lived a fairly normal life in, if I remember correctly, Amherst. Amherst is quite a ways away from here. Anyway, when he was at the ripe age of 25, Michael was driving a car and had a head on collision into a truck. He was placed into a hospital where his parents were told he had a TBI (traumatic brain injury) and wouldn't be able to live without the assistance of another human being. So what did his parents do?
They got together, put him in a car, and dumped him into our neighborhood, then drove away and never looked back. People here started to know who he was and soon Michael was welcome in the neighborhood without any hassle.
When my Auntie Oopie got older she took it upon herself to take care of him. Find him shelter, give him money, and make sure he got the care he needed.
Ok, enough of that. Michael's downfall is his sexual interest in crack heads. He gives them money for drugs in return he expects sex. Simple enough. The issue came when he started physically buying the drugs for the crackies. That's a no no.
Got caught last year, slap on the hand and a "Don't do it again" from the judge.
Got caught last night, spend some time in jail.
It's funny because no one gives him any credit. They act like he can't think for himself. When I watched Michael get $20 and heard him say "Now I can see my girlfriend four times!" I knew he was smarter than letting on.
Oh, Michael. You never cease to amaze me. Enjoy your stay in jail and maybe you'll stop buying Betty crack.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Love On The Rocks
If I ever needed the perfect song for this situation, certainly Sara Bareilles' Love On The Rocks is that song. Damn this.
Ok! Happy entry.
Hmmm...this is bad. I can't think of anything.
Oh! Yes! Little less than 2 weeks left. Those who want to hear from me right before I go, give me your e-mail addresses and I'll e-mail you from the hotel before I ship out. And then I'm gone.
Also, yesterday was my birthday. What did my birthday consist of?
My mother asking me when I'm getting married, family drama with my brother, arguing with my ex, my dog chasing huge deer, and a very odd nest in the tree of my brother's house (seriously, we have no idea what it is).
I got to eat a lot, though. And cake. I also got to cut my hair which made me very happy. And money, which was what I wanted anyway.
What else? Lots of phone calls. Some from people I haven't talked to in forever (how the fuck did Angel get my number?!). In the end, this was probably the worst birthday I've ever had. Although, most of my birthdays have been spent in a bed with whoever I'm dating at the time which I guess is kind of a bad habit. I'm not a fan of celebrating my birthday, anyway. I try to treat it like any other day (aside from...the bed thing) and my family wants to make a big deal out of it.
Like what the fuck? Why is Auntie Oopie calling me to tell me to stay positive when she's married to some fake ass mother fucker.
Ok, enough venting. This is supposed to be a happy entry.
Nook called, which raised my spirits. She sang to me. Some random song that was not birthday like at all but made me laugh anyway. She's so sweet sometimes.
Who else called? Mayah (since she's back at school), Ashley, Tigh, errrmmmm...and some other people I can't remember right now.
I have nothing else to say except...
It took me three hours to type this entry because of drama stirring up and my mom wanted to talk about it. Intervention time, perhaps?
Ok! Happy entry.
Hmmm...this is bad. I can't think of anything.
Oh! Yes! Little less than 2 weeks left. Those who want to hear from me right before I go, give me your e-mail addresses and I'll e-mail you from the hotel before I ship out. And then I'm gone.
Also, yesterday was my birthday. What did my birthday consist of?
My mother asking me when I'm getting married, family drama with my brother, arguing with my ex, my dog chasing huge deer, and a very odd nest in the tree of my brother's house (seriously, we have no idea what it is).
I got to eat a lot, though. And cake. I also got to cut my hair which made me very happy. And money, which was what I wanted anyway.
What else? Lots of phone calls. Some from people I haven't talked to in forever (how the fuck did Angel get my number?!). In the end, this was probably the worst birthday I've ever had. Although, most of my birthdays have been spent in a bed with whoever I'm dating at the time which I guess is kind of a bad habit. I'm not a fan of celebrating my birthday, anyway. I try to treat it like any other day (aside from...the bed thing) and my family wants to make a big deal out of it.
Like what the fuck? Why is Auntie Oopie calling me to tell me to stay positive when she's married to some fake ass mother fucker.
Ok, enough venting. This is supposed to be a happy entry.
Nook called, which raised my spirits. She sang to me. Some random song that was not birthday like at all but made me laugh anyway. She's so sweet sometimes.
Who else called? Mayah (since she's back at school), Ashley, Tigh, errrmmmm...and some other people I can't remember right now.
I have nothing else to say except...
It took me three hours to type this entry because of drama stirring up and my mom wanted to talk about it. Intervention time, perhaps?
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Noel
This year has /not/ been easy for me. From running into Nicole on my first day of classes in January to the car accident in February, quickly followed by the downfall of Bart and peaking interest in Nicole. Then when classes started up I had to tell her about going into the military, she practically begged me not to. Not because...whatever it was that was happening between us, but because she feared in the confusion of military life I'd lose who I was. The semester wrapped up, we went our separate ways (even though I still have her book and get occasional texts from her).
In May I joined the Air Force and happily started up my last class for my Associates. May and June were alright. Occasionally hearing from both Bart and Nicole and I had started flirting with Alicia around this time. July I finished up my class. Associate's received. Maria became more active in my life, which was nice. But it didn't last long, as always. But before she left quietly, she made sure a lot of my dirty laundry was out. She told Alicia almost all of the things I wanted to keep hidden. She had learned these things by going through my stuff. Not pleased.
Defense mechanisms go up. August comes. Get things in order for basic, keep my heart guarded. Hear from Nicole in the beginning of the month. Things begin to spiral out of my control and I almost lose it trying to figure out how to fix everything. Where do I begin?! I've been lying to myself and others for so long, I'm just not ready to face the truth!
Noel gets the brunt of my...shitty attitude. And yet she stays calm. This woman who has loved me silently for two years. Watched me go through shitty relationship after shitty relationship after shitty relationship. And yet and still, she stayed by my side occasionally adding her two cents but pretty much staying out of it.
But after years of not showing myself to her fully, I dumped onto her fully yesterday. Almost everything. At least, what little of everything I could before she had to go to work. She didn't judge, just listened and occasionally commented.
She said something, sadly I didn't scribble it down when I had the chance, but it made sense to me. I'm not even going to try and repeat all of what she said. But basically she said that when her life seems horrible she doesn't get down. Because she knows that she is young enough to fix it. So even if I'm not happy with my life right now, how I feel about myself, how I react to things, how I treat others, I still have so much time to fix myself and my situation.
I should stop trying to take the easy, selfish way out and face this.
Face everything.
No more running.
In May I joined the Air Force and happily started up my last class for my Associates. May and June were alright. Occasionally hearing from both Bart and Nicole and I had started flirting with Alicia around this time. July I finished up my class. Associate's received. Maria became more active in my life, which was nice. But it didn't last long, as always. But before she left quietly, she made sure a lot of my dirty laundry was out. She told Alicia almost all of the things I wanted to keep hidden. She had learned these things by going through my stuff. Not pleased.
Defense mechanisms go up. August comes. Get things in order for basic, keep my heart guarded. Hear from Nicole in the beginning of the month. Things begin to spiral out of my control and I almost lose it trying to figure out how to fix everything. Where do I begin?! I've been lying to myself and others for so long, I'm just not ready to face the truth!
Noel gets the brunt of my...shitty attitude. And yet she stays calm. This woman who has loved me silently for two years. Watched me go through shitty relationship after shitty relationship after shitty relationship. And yet and still, she stayed by my side occasionally adding her two cents but pretty much staying out of it.
But after years of not showing myself to her fully, I dumped onto her fully yesterday. Almost everything. At least, what little of everything I could before she had to go to work. She didn't judge, just listened and occasionally commented.
She said something, sadly I didn't scribble it down when I had the chance, but it made sense to me. I'm not even going to try and repeat all of what she said. But basically she said that when her life seems horrible she doesn't get down. Because she knows that she is young enough to fix it. So even if I'm not happy with my life right now, how I feel about myself, how I react to things, how I treat others, I still have so much time to fix myself and my situation.
I should stop trying to take the easy, selfish way out and face this.
Face everything.
No more running.
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
August 20
A,
I thought I would never have to write this letter. Prayed this day would never come. And here I am, tears streaming down my face, my eyes red from crying, and my fingers numb as I struggle to breathe. How do I even begin?
It wasn't long, the time we spent together. But as fleeting as it was, it meant the world to me. The things you taught me....the things you brought out of me...
You showed me it was alright to trust again. Not everyone is there to hurt me, use me, abuse me. I told you the things I had never told anyone, and you locked them up like it was the most delicate of diamonds. Loved me uncontrollably and stayed with me no matter what.
Towards the end, things were rough but you pushed through it with me. You never stopped standing by my side even as the waters became very uneasy.
We both tested each other. Pressing to see how far we could go. As we shoved against the other's boundaries, we learned more about each other. The more we learned, the more we cared for one another.
I dropped my masks for you. Crushing them under my feet so that I wouldn't have to worry about them ever again. You made me work harder to become the best person I could be. And when I reached up to remove my last mask, I hesitated. In that single action, I lost you.
And when I lost you, my world fell apart.
The pieces are so scattered I worry I may never get them back again. Cutting myself as I try to pick them up, only to drop them again. I need your help to put myself back together.
I wish I could hold you again. Talk to you again. Apologize.
I wish I could wake up to you and this was all a dream.
Oh, how I wish...
Very lonely and very hurt,
Shelly
I thought I would never have to write this letter. Prayed this day would never come. And here I am, tears streaming down my face, my eyes red from crying, and my fingers numb as I struggle to breathe. How do I even begin?
It wasn't long, the time we spent together. But as fleeting as it was, it meant the world to me. The things you taught me....the things you brought out of me...
You showed me it was alright to trust again. Not everyone is there to hurt me, use me, abuse me. I told you the things I had never told anyone, and you locked them up like it was the most delicate of diamonds. Loved me uncontrollably and stayed with me no matter what.
Towards the end, things were rough but you pushed through it with me. You never stopped standing by my side even as the waters became very uneasy.
We both tested each other. Pressing to see how far we could go. As we shoved against the other's boundaries, we learned more about each other. The more we learned, the more we cared for one another.
I dropped my masks for you. Crushing them under my feet so that I wouldn't have to worry about them ever again. You made me work harder to become the best person I could be. And when I reached up to remove my last mask, I hesitated. In that single action, I lost you.
And when I lost you, my world fell apart.
The pieces are so scattered I worry I may never get them back again. Cutting myself as I try to pick them up, only to drop them again. I need your help to put myself back together.
I wish I could hold you again. Talk to you again. Apologize.
I wish I could wake up to you and this was all a dream.
Oh, how I wish...
Very lonely and very hurt,
Shelly
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Awakening the Monster
"Comfort. Pleasure. Sex. If making you happy means being nothing more than that, can I do it?"
Only once. That is all it took to wake it up. That dormant me that waited for a few years to show it's ugly face. A few weeks I'd been battling with it. Winning. Not letting it over take my mind. And in one single act of stupidity, I let it out.
Again, it's a part of me.
Only once. That is all it took to wake it up. That dormant me that waited for a few years to show it's ugly face. A few weeks I'd been battling with it. Winning. Not letting it over take my mind. And in one single act of stupidity, I let it out.
Again, it's a part of me.
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